Ravishing Grimness - Mistress Crowbastard and Musical Chaos in Samur

 
March Kane traveled from the icy hinterlands to revel with us in unholy metal Dionysian bacchanalia.  All the witches and sorceress' showed up. It was a friggin' party, man. And this was our party music.

Forest is a NS black metal band from motherland Russia. I always thought it ironic that so many Slavonic metal bands are prone to expose the rotten ideology of National Socialism and the like, since Hitler wanted to to enslave and gas all the Slavs. But you have to give the Nazis their due.....they were always snappy dressers, and many of their modern advocates make some pretty damn great black metal. This album, Like A Blaze Above The Ashes, is black metal in the traditional mode; Darkthrone-like minimalism meets Burzum-like ambiance. A cold blast of ice fury from the graveyard of the Teutonic terror.

 Adventure in Samur Part 2.1 - A Blaze in the Northern Sky

The Samurian sky was gray, with light filtering through the low clouds that blanketed the stark landscape. Small, bare trees dotted the gently undulating tundra. In the distance, the first peaks of the area known as the Kradiken Socrat rise from the ground like frozen waves. Duchess VonDoom stares out the windshield of the transport she liberated from a Samurian army base while she was first learning the Narset spellcraft. Soon they would be approaching the Chateau Kivilinake where Mistress Crowbastard guards the gates to Narn. She had known the Mistress during those heady days 

of youth, when the two of them filled their days with dangerous games and reckless wandering. They were feared by many a sheriff and sargent for their antics. Duchess chuckles to herself, remembering the close calls and near misses of their time at the Heraea Agoge. The green pulsing of the tauriat warns of an approaching dimensional rift. From the seat next to her Iron Dan calls back to the rest of us, "We're close, this is the first of the magical traps." The air crackles around us in a blaze of kaleidoscopic sparks as the Duchess swerves, throwing Fester and Ophelia against Frostor and Hellmaster against Lady Deathcrush and Vorthon. Our denim and leather clad driver yells, "Fuck hell yeah! This is more like it!" The rattletrap transport groans and sputters as we dodge one magical mine after another. After what seems like an eternity of white-knuckle action, we skid to a stop in front of the first hill we encounter. Duchess turns to us and says, "From here we'll go on foot through the gate." We exit the vehicle together and stand with her before a stone altar. Duchess VonDoom produces an obsidian dagger and extracts a drop of blood from each of us and smears it in the middle of the sigil carved on the rock surface of the waist high structure. The air once again fills with bright discharges of energy and we feel the oscillating tingle of discorporation.

Next, we heard Belgian traditional speed metal fucks Acid. Acid is basically the Belgian answer to Motorhead, except they are fronted by a chick. The songs from their debut album are simple, catchy as hell, occasionally furious, and give more than a few nods to punk. This is not a thrash fest, but no-frills heavy metal played really fast. They are heavier than Girlschool. Acid are one of my favorite finds of the year and all their early albums are definitely worth checking out.

Next, we heard US trad metal band Abattoir and their 1985 opus Vicious Attack.Once again, this is speedy heavy metal, more in the Iron Maiden/Judas Priest vein, though the vocalist has throaty, almost punkish delivery reminiscent of Paul Dianno, instead of the usual air raid siren style that was prominent at the time. Once again, nothing fancy coming from this band, simply solid heavy metal, slightly generic, but definitely worth a head bang or two thousand.

Adventure in Samur Part 2.2 - Black Leather Queen
 - A rush of air fills my lungs as my body comes together again. We are in a bright, rounded room. Windows all around the perimeter reveal a breathtaking panorama, with the plains stretching out below on one side and the peaks of the Kradiken Socrat on the other. The walls are completely covered with the bleached bones of a multitude of creatures arranged in a kind of mosaic that describes sacred symbols from the many cities of Centon. Before us, the floor seems to be a carpet of digits, tails and spines that converge in the center of the white room. From this point, the black throne of Mistress Crowbastard rises up, dark carven stone erupting from the monotone of the surrounding chamber. Demons and gargoyles are pictured in the relief of the intricate centerpiece and atop this 

impressive edifice sits Mistress Crowbastard herself, stoic defender of Narn. Her dark robes blend in with the color of her perch so that all one can see of her is a pale face and hands. She looks down impassively upon us and speaks, "I have summoned you here because your education is not yet complete. Chanthoth never finished the story of your mother, Thandra and your father, Bloodhammer." I notice that our companions have disappeared. Bloodhammer, Duchess VonDoom and I are alone in this cavernous mountaintop observatory with Mistress Crowbastard, who continues on with her story. "Your mother and father did indeed save us from Headron the first time he tried to break through to this dimension but later your father wandered into the newly formed Time Desert during his travels. Soon after you and your brother disappeared from Jenkabala Castle where your mother was taking care of you. The land was stricken with terror and the name of Headron was on everyone's tongues. When you returned to the palace, the northerners knew there would be cataclysmic trouble. 

Your father owns all of this land under the Samurian treaties that took effect when the T'Chah Karnac had power. After your deaths, Headron took possession of your mother's lands through his agents.One by one the smaller tribes, like that of Ophelia Skullbourne and Fester Blackheart were wiped out by the cruel agents of the Wyverns, leaving only two powers in the north, Headron and the Wyvern. Your father could have taken possession of these lands but, like Headron, he has been banished to the outer dimensions. You have been allowed to come back by your father with the express purpose of wiping out the competition that Headron and Bloodhammer can rule unopposed from behind the dimensional cloak."

  

Bloodmace and I look to one another with disbelief. Is this really the truth? Has our father been in league with Headron the whole time?

 But the winner of the night was perennial Metal Night favorite Darkthrone and perhaps their weirdest album, Goatlord. Goatlord consists of demo material from what was supposed to be the death metal follow-up to their debut album before they scrapped it all together and became a black metal band. A few years later, they remixed(?) the demos and added black metal tinged vocals. The result is almost a dada-esque approach to metal, borrowing liberally from Into The Pandemonium era Celtic Frost. At times, the off kilter rhythms remind one of Ozma era Melvins. This album is disconcerting and most rewarding after a few listens. It is controversial with Darkthrone fandom, garnering much hate in the Metal Archive review section. But we loved it. Fuck those nerds, man. Fuck off and die.
 

Words of the Elders
 And so the story winds on through lands unknown. What started as a quest to see justice be done for the possession of our friend, Zodron the Minstrel has led these wanderers from the sweltering Time Desert to mountainous Waylor and now on from beloved Jenkabala to the mysterious prairie like tundra of Samur. 

Until next week, evil wanderers, 


Horns