Megamosh - Crossover Thrash and the Siren Call of the Necro Lands

Back from the icy wastelands of Hoth, via the space elevator made of dicks, I have returned. Through epic drudgery, and exciting boredom, I have returned to you from afar, which is actually just the corner liquor store with a bottle of Arrow Vodka and a bundle of cheap porn mags With bonus DVDs. I forgot to buy ginger ale! Through the gargulous aeons!!!!! WE'RE THRASHING ALL AROUND!!!!! IT'S METAL NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight, it was just me and Demon Scourge and his wench, whose metal name I have forgotten. Metal Night has often been a party these last few weeks, but it's's nice to just once in a while lay back and reflect on the more subtle points of a subtle genre of music, thrash fucking metal. First up, we heard the first self title album album from Dr. Living Dead, who hail from that birthing ground of retro metal, Sweden. This album is of interest mainly for it's oddly deliberate jumble of thrash metal styles. You get a Nuclear Assault riff here, a Slayer riff there, DRI all over the place, lots of Bay Area thrash touches, and gang shouts galore. But the thing that makes it stand out from total generic status is come chorus time, Suicidal Tendencies is deftly pilfered. This is really the first thrash band I've heard to deliberately rip off Suicidal, right down to naming one of their songs 'Feeding The Cyco'. But all in all, this is a competent moshfest, and enjoyable for how many blatantly stolen riffs can be identified. 

Into the Necro Lands Part 1.1 - Cemetery Mass 

The cold afternoon air was filled with the shouts and grunts of labor. Bare trees, reaching their skeletal limbs to the gray sky above watched impassively as the humans below carried out their toil on the weird structure in the clearing. Black cloaked druids were swarming around the building, some measured and shouted orders, others were levitating the dark stones and dropping them into place where faceless ghouls were carving sacred symbols into the finished portions with their hellish

instruments. Fine snow, blown by the icy wind, created a freezing mist that made it almost impossible for me to stay on the trail, but I followed the pounding and barking din until the shadowy form of Jenkabala Temple loomed there in front of me. Past expressionless druid and snarling ghoul I strode, circling our new home to examine the work that had been done that day. Built by applying the principals of sacred geometry learned by Hellmaster in the Time Desert, the temple had five spires of differing heights connected to a central chamber. I rounded the corner of the first tower, admiring the stonework and elegant cuneiform markings that covered the south facing surfaces. For just a moment, the clouds broke and a single beam of reddish sunlight fell on the wall next to me, illuminating the spells uopn it. "Brother!" A voice called out and from the gloom emerged Bloodmace, clad in furs and spiked leather armor. "Come, we have visitors from afar. Let us repair to the temple and greet them." Returning to the front of our reborn palace, we went, through the doors that bore the Jenkabala crest and into the heart of our kingdom.

But the winner of the night, for me anyway, was the mighty return of DRI frontman Kurt Brecht in the Texas super group Pasadena Napalm Division 2013 self titled album. Holy fucking shit did this album kick my ass. It is crossover thrash. There is a retro sensibility. The riffs are sharp and original, with a nice tinge of dissonance, courtesy of lamented Texas weirdos Dead Horse. These are men, pushing 50, who instill in these tunes a gleefully sophomoric skater punk sensibility with a horror movie themes, and wry cynicism. Mr. Brecht has not lost a step, attacking the lyrics with the exhilarating rhythmic blitzkrieg that marked his work with DRI. Also, he still sounds like a pissed off 17 year old. Fucking awesome.  

Into the Necro Lands Part 1.2 - Always Youth 

We met the travelers in the main temple. Dim light filtered through the glass dome above as we made our way through the maze of plants to the enclosure in the middle of the chamber that served as the listening room for our sacred rites. Entering the candlelit space, we are greeted by Lady Birdblood and her companions, Losi of the Wolfskeep, staring out gravely from beneath her headdress, dark hair cascading down her thin shoulders and The Maddaughter Tesa who was clad in the striking leather armor of her people witch was covered everywhere in sharpened talons of wyvern. We exchange

greetings and the flame-haired Birdblood presents us with a bag of heads they have gathered on their travels and speaks of their reason for coming, "The west is in grave danger, the Nest of Evil was overrun last night by the necrofolk. Had it not been for Maddaughter Tesa, we would surely be walking in Narn now." Behind her, Losi rose from the velvet chair and spoke up with an alarming necro rasp of the kind favored by the very clan that had just perpetrated this act of bloodshed, "I was forced to hide the wolves from them." She gargled, "My pack is no longer safe in the western lands. Necro Baby and Iron James have turned the necro lands into an inferno." Bloodmace strokes his chin with a ceremonial dagger, the sacred blade flicking errant beard hairs to the ground. "Necro Baby" He mumbles, "The necro lands call to us, brother." He looks to me with a spark in his eye that warns of impending danger and sudden violence. "Our first act must be to storm Nest of Evil and root out the foul interlopers. I want to taste their cold, black blood!" I am about to raise my voice in protest of my brothers rash call to arms when Maddaughter joins the verbal fray, using the legendary spirit voice of the Uraks, "Stop this foolishness, we came here for help, not to be led into the dead one's trap." All are silent. Even Bloodmace, whose unending stubbornness usually makes him impervious to enchantments of this type is listening with rapt attention. "Why do you think they strike at your stronghold Lady Birdblood? They want to drive us here, where their real quarry lies." She looks at my brother and I, "Oh, we will attack them, and slit their filthy necks with blades of steel." Tesa unsheathes her sword and looks intently at the blade for a moment, "But there will be no way out for them, and they will know the name of the hand that rips the last spirit from their tattered bodies." A hundred candles, one for each god of the Jenkabala pantheon, cast flickering shadows on the crystal walls of the listening room and for a moment there is silence as we all ponder this undertaking. From far away, the bell sounds for the evening meal as the last tiny snowflakes drift past Jenkabala Temple.

But Demon Scourge is an old school thrasher to the deep fucking bone, and was more impressed by the old school thrash sounds of SDI and their 1988 album Sign of the Wicked. This is decent German thrash, kind of like Helloween, but with raspier, less operatic vocals. I can't really fault this album, it's a thrashfest for damn sure, but to my ears it's kind of, well, average. I expect more evil than heroics from my German thrash bands. Gimme some witchy vocals fuckers! Well,  this cause obvious grief to Demon Scourge, and what a might sword battle we had! I cut a bitch! I cut a motherfukin'' bitch!!!!!!!!!

Words of the Elders
Thus the tale of the Necro Lands begins. What terrible secrets does that dark wilderness hold? What enemies lurk unseen in the rocky canyons and rolling hills of Centon's agricultural capitol? The dead are alive there among the neat rows of tatstal and tak corn, and they are on the move. Under the evil rule of Necro Baby, the long suffering dead are marching out to crush village after village, but they are about to meet an enemy equal to the might of their powerful necromancers. 

Until next week, skullcrushers and hell raisers, 







Horns

Universal Sleeper - International Stoner Metal in the Nest of Evil and a Time Desert Cycle

The Nest of Evil is the home of the fabled tyrant of yore, Lady Birdblood. Under her rule, the laws of hell were strictly obeyed and blood was shed at the drop of a hat. One chilly night, I, Demon Scourge of Jenkabala dared to enter her spiritual realm and discover the secrets of stoner metal. I arrived with the sacred relics of our jungle land and lit the black candles. In a moment, her minions surrounded me, their swords glowing in the moonlight coming through the tremendous window next to us. Slowly, the Lady herself materialized with the rulers of Urak. Losi of the Wolfskeep, The Maddaughter Tesa and Little Sip. Soon, Mistress Crowbastard and Rangar the Sectaurian arrived and the challenge had begun!

The first band we delved into was Predicted from Moscow. Now split up, their sole release was the 2011 Demos In The Witch House. I was a sucker for the cover art and the Lovecraft themed album title and this band was well liked by the council, but as with so many good bands, stiff competition form the other two contenders knocked them out of the running. The music is a stoner/doom concoction, falling more in the realm of Sabbath influenced doom most of the time. While not the most original band we have ever encountered, they set the pace for the night to come, also,this.

Lives of the Noble Centonians Part 8.1 - The Void

The wooden table was crowded with humans and the air was filled with the mummer of quiet conversation. The tower room of Castle Stonefist was host to representatives from each human tribe on this strange world. The order of the day was discussion of the chilling events that had plagued the villages around the Time Desert. As the hot sun began to set, casting its warm red glow through the open windows, Bloodmace began to speak to the group, "My friends, we have come far to understand this new threat from the dimensional wasteland. When Headron was defeated so long ago, he left the middle of our country an almost uninhabitable desert before our forebearers sent him back into

Dantor, but now we face a new threat. As most of you know, several villages have disappeared, seemingly eaten by the Time Desert. Monsters that have never been seen in this dimension are attacking travelers in the north. I fear that all of these things can point to just one cause: the return of Headron." A fearful gasp escaped from the gathering, for the fear of this otherworldly dweller was very real, even generations after his defeat at the hands of Bloodhammer and Thandra. Lady Steel was the first to speak, "I have felt the presence of this force since the last moon. Keep Trawston stands ready to repel any invaders." Vecton the Bard opened his mouth to speak, but he was cut short by a blast that rocked the tower. Skyrock ran to the window to see what the commotion was all about. He leaned out the window for a moment then whipped around and yelled, "Wyvern! Get out! Run!" In seconds the party was headed down the tower stairs, rushing to join the battle. Bursting from the door, weapons drawn, they are confronted by an elder wyvern. The creature takes a swat at Bloodmace, who rolls out of the way just in time to avoid being crushed by it's massive foot. "People of Stonefist," The wyvern bellows, "give us the other humans. We have no quarrel with you, don't let the doom of these fools cause your death as well. We will spare you if you give them up." Skyrock took but a moment to answer the scaly interloper with laughter and a blast of fire that exploded from open hands.

Bevar Sea, riding in on a dark horse, reaping heads from the attendees. It might have been the dark n' stormy cocktails making their magic, but this band really got the crowd on its feet with their self titled album. The production on this second jam was much more tidy and the boys from Bangalore are in top form with some crushing, bass heavy jams that, like Predicted, rely heavily on the old Sabbath riffs for inspiration. I like their facebook page.

From India came

Lives of The Noble Centonians Part 8.2 - Ripping Into Pieces

The battle exploded almost out of nowhere. Within seconds of Cursebringer's repudiation of the wyveren's claim to his guests, there was a brutal assault on the stronghold. Wyverns came racing in from points unseen and hurled fire at the humans streaming out from the patchwork castle,

slaughtering many of the enemy almost instantly with their powerful moshbolts, the stock in trade of the Urak peninsula magic users arsenal. Bloodmace and Demon Scourge, back to back killed many of the invaders with their enchanted weapons, their young hands shaking with fear and yet guided by the hundred gods. One after another the mighty lizard warriors were repelled by the insurgent humans. The sun was setting on the rocky landscape and the horrible smell of death was beginning to hover over the grounds of Castle Stonefist. "Come," motions skyrock, "let us remove ourselves to the gardens to finish our discussion." Hellmaster, emerging from behind a fallen wyvern, is wiping the blood from his gleaming blade and replies, "Demon Scourge, Bloodmace and myself must depart. They must meet with Zodron the Minstrel in Jenkabala, across the time desert. The three companions climbed down the butte to the desert floor and set off to cross the Time Desert as the sky burned blood red. Skyrock looked out art the fading dots from the top of the tower and turned to Birdblood. "Now it begins"

Fortunately for us, the best was yet to come. Church of Misery, from Japan blasted through the Nest of Evil, shaking the chandlers and cracking the plaster as Birdblood and Maddaughter Tesa sparred with laser swords in the ballroom. We listened to their 2001 opus, Master of Brutality and it really swept the night. Here was the band we were looking for, an aggregation that had a real psychedelic edge and like the peak of a bad acid trip, the music dwells in the twilight world of nightmares and blood. Leaving a trail of viscera and evil vibes, the Church of Misery took the night in a stunning come from behind victory!

Words of the Elders

The circle is complete. Demon Scourge and Bloodmace have set out on the path of fate. The pieces are on the board and the game is afoot. This is the beginning of the legend, a prelude to the legendary rule of the immortal brothers who would bring together the tribes of Centon against this evil tyrant!

Until next week, hellhammers of destiny,

Horns

Strongest of the Night - Lady Steel Visits Castle Stonefist and Bands with Satan in Their Name

We had been celebrating the return of Bloodmace for seven days when Vecton the Bard burst fourth from a mound of cocaine he had been making into an igloo, "Do you realize it's metal night?" Wild eyed, he ran into the night, returning with three albums from the sacred vault of hot licks. Clearly, it was going to be a night of evil, a night of laughing trees and wicked emperors, but above all a night of satan Satan SATAN! As the gates creaked open and the flames licked the walls of the sacred Jenkabala Temple we could hear evil laughter and smell the sulfurous gasses escaping from the lair of the god of light. Charging like Maciste into the underworld, swords drawn, we confronted...bands with Satan in their name!

Noted NWOBHM stalwarts, Satan tore up the early slot with the great riff that opens their 2013 album, Life Sentence. A good, balanced trad metal album with really cool guitar harmonies throughout and a production that's just lo-fi enough to make it sound rough in the right spots. Interestingly enough the current incarnation is truly the classic lineup, right down to the drummer, perhaps that accounts for their remarkably on point recreation and refining of their original sound. Emperor Bloodmace's pick for winner of the night!

Lives of the Noble Centonians Part 7.1 - Tears of Blood

Lady Steel had traveled many miles to the southern tip of Centon. Her party trudged through the bright, rocky landscape under an unrelenting sun. The stern warrior had taken three of her high priestesses from their home on Mount Trawston to meet her brothers, Bloodmace and Demon Scourge. There had been talk of strange enemies in the northern forest unlike any they had thus far encountered. Word had been sent to the mountain fortress by way of bird messenger to meet at the home of Skyrock the Cursebringer where information from every corner of the strange continent

could be compared. The dwelling in question came into view in the high noon sun. A great crooked mansion, sprawling and mismatched sat impassively upon a far-off butte. Lady Steel motioned with her hand and the party stopped to water the theeba and rest before the final push to their destination. As the lizards long tongues greedily slurped the water they were offered, the women gather around their leader. Squinting her eyes a little, she addresses them, "We will soon arrive. Be on your guard. whatever force has penetrated the dimensional barrier may know about our meeting and send spies or assassins. The monks in Villa Stonefist are serious but trustworthy, but my brothers are not. I hear they have lately taken residence in the old Jenkabala Castle with the other relics of the north. Watch them closely, for they may try to steal from us."

Metal from Hell by the American thrash/power outfit Satan's Host was our second journey into the darkness. Everyone in the room noted the diversity present in the songwriting, moving from a thrash style that verged on black metal to soaring power metal sections and galloping speed metal, the composition and instrumental prowess easily overcame the muddy production. I first heard this album a couple years ago when Jag Panzer was the order of the day and I was hungry for anything with Harry Conklin's gruff wail, so this is a favorite of mine. The claustrophobic atmosphere of the recording and brain smashing tempos work together to give this record a cool "underground" feel that JP left behind after Ample Destruction. Recommended!

Lives of the Noble Centonians Part 7.2 - Siege Mentality

When Lady Steel and her party reached the top of the rocky hill they beheld an iron gate surrounding the hulking edifice that was home base for the faithful brethren of Elom and their high priest, Skyrock. The palace before them looked pieced together, one section with marble pillars and neat

lines, the next a ramshackle barn that was connected to a tall tower of black stone. They approached the tattooed guards at the entrance, muscle bound humans who stood impassively as the group of

cloaked priestess stood before them , "What is your business here strangers?" The statuesque leader of the group stepped forward, "We are the envoy of Keep Trawston." pulling back the white hood, she adds, "I am Lady Steel." The sentries cross their arms before their chests and open the gate. The travelers cross the grounds of the great house, a sprawling garden of edible plants in raised beds. As they near the palace, Skyrock Cursebringer emerges from one of the many doors that dot the front of the strange fortress. His tousled blonde hair rises above the bronze crown atop his head and wild eyes stare out from behind his high set cheekbones. A scarf with human and animal bones is thrown around his neck. He motions for them to follow and enters the stone tower. Up the spiral stair they went, to a room at the very top of the dim passage. Skyrock opens a heavy wooden door to reveal humans from every kingdom gathered around an ancient looking sourwood table. Her brothers, Bloodmace and Demon Scourge were there as well as Lady Birdblood, Vecton the Bard and Hellmaster. "Welcome Sister," Says Bloodmace, "Come sit with us, we have much to discuss." Behind them the door latches shut, the council is in session...

Our final foray into devil monikered bands was France's Satan Jokers and their album from 1983, Les Fils Du Metal. This was by far the most old fashioned sounding of all the music we sampled tonight. It's readily apparent where the songwriting influences come from. A little Maiden and Priest here, some Rainbow and Deep Purple there, in '83 there wasn't the dizzying array of sub and sub-sub genres that bloom in the blood fertilized gardens of metal today. In the early times, a metal band was a metal band no matter if you were Slayer or Hanoi Rocks. That being said, I found this album to be very listenable, recalling Blitzkrieg or early Loudness.

Words of the Elders

What terrible mysteries are afoot on the Centonian plains? Talk is spreading throughout the villages of dark riders and slithering fiends that stalk the lonely hinterlands when the wind howls and the moon casts its icy stare on the wilderness below. A shadow has fallen over the land and as in days of old, the heroes have come forward to beat off the invaders with a firm hand.

Until Next week, blood ravens,

Horns

Ketchup Post Part Six - The Forever People

Alas, I have returned from my journey to Inter-dimensional Whorehouse of Pancakes and shall now proceed to clean house. Gone are the smooth sounds of German hard rock. Gone are the power metal excursions. Darkness returneth with full force and  resounding fury, but in a slow kind of way cuz my back hurts and I am old. Yup. We brunched the metal death/doom style!

Indeed, the mighty Bloodmace had returned from his adventure in the hell worlds of yon and just one short week later, we joined with Mistress Crowbastard and Vecton the Bard to explore metal from the Philippines. Not content to rest on our laurels with this task, we narrowed it down to the province of Cebu. A hot breeze blew into the sacred listening room and the skulls that festooned the walls began to glow and sing. Welcome to island hell, motherfuckers! 

First up was a motherfucking classic gothic sludge fest in the form of My Dying Bride's debut As The Flower's Wither. This is an epoch crushing sad fest, and one of the heaviest albums in existence. The riffs here laid the foundation for the entire genre. Violin is sparsely yet effectively used, adding an interesting contrast the death metal vocals(which spew college student level dark romantic poetry), as My Dying Bride had not ventured into goth warbling as yet. Fast death metal tempos are employed now and then, so that you may hasten your suicide. Certified classic and the Winner of the Night, cuz I am the Judgement 'n' shit.

A Hero For The World started us off with some competent power metal, although none of the members seem to be Filipino. Despite their dubious background, the music was decent enough, made even better by the incredible shit show that followed. Stallions Of The Burning Church have a name that made me think we were about to hear some faux black metal Hot Topic bullshit but instead tore our minds with their sub-Black Crowes christian hard rock.

Next, Paradise Lost laid down the thickness on their debut, Lost Paradise. This is meat and potatoes death doom.  Genre defining though it maybe, it lacks the elegance of the previous album, delivering old school death metal (with better lyrics than MDB) with slower tempos than usual. It's a great album, though, setting the riff style and basic grim atmosphere that Paradise Lost is known for and expended upon in subsequent albums.

Just when we started thinking there were no good bands in Cebu Province, a squall of feedback and gruff occult lyrics exploded from the speakers. The mighty Astrus came lurching out from the swampy depths of a diabolical marsh, demon swords blazing with impure fire. Things had started to look up for us, then Signos began to play. Fires exploded from the walls and the servants of twilight shambled out into view as the primitive death metal scorched our ears. Winner of the night!

And now for the dark horse. Mournful Congregation's Tears From A Grieving Heart is an elegant, well played funeral doom album that I really did not like. This was mainly because of the whisper vocals splattered through out the album, which I think is more lazy than atmospheric and simply annoys. If you are going to employ faggotty whispers on a fucking metal album, do so like Metallica did on Damage Inc, which was sparingly. Otherwise, you are just trying to be Marilyn Manson, resting your voice between screams because you just can't take it, because you'd rather be having sex with hamsters than laying down some mighty meaty metal vocals at full force and volume. Who cares if you get throat cancer!!!!!!!! Which is really disappointing because otherwise it's really good. But Demon Scourge digresses, and I must make mention that this was his winner of the night. And now I shall slay him with the tiny axe.

 Words of the Elders
On the western shore of Centon, near the kipet mines and the abandoned city, an old man wanders along the beach. His long robes make him seem a monk, but the icy madness behind his eyes shines like a warning beacon. When dusk settles over the ruins he begins to pipe his horrible tunes into the encroaching darkness. One night, as he was regaling the ocean with the lugubrious strains of an evil waltz, something flopped horribly on to the shore. It rolled toward him, a cloudy sac of organs and fluid motivating up from the water. The bizzare orginasim stopped before him and belched up a gilded box from a barely visible orifice on its side. Inside his head, the old man heard a deep voice, "The seven spikes of Necro Baby. You know what you must do." 

Until next week, highway hustlers, 









Horns