A Titan's Chain - Ketchup in Western Centon and a Peek at the Necro Castle

Alas, the Metal Night barbarians returneth from the meth binge vacation lands of Trailor. Oh such debauchery! The famed metal goat of Trailor hath been fucked to deth by black metal fiends. We watched as sweated babies consumed PBR by the gallons! We watched as the scarecrow women were set on fire by their troll boyfriends, who hath meth for blood. The wankerous wallow wimps of Emoshire doth cut themselves, but to no avail. FOR WE HATH RETURNED!!!!!!! We require metal for sustenance. Ok, onto the tunes.

First we heard a succession of recent traditional metal bands. From the desolate wastelands of Detroit come Borrowed Time and their 2013 self titled debut. This album is really fucking cool. Instead of simply riffing on Maiden, Priest, Fate, or any of the other typical reference bands that neo trad bands use, Manilla Road provides the primary inspiration. Tasteful keyboards, epic structures, organic textures and an air of mystery prevail. This was my favorite for the night

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Into the Necro Lands Part 5.1 - Dawn for the Glory Rider 

Dim light filtered down from the luminous fungi on the ceiling of the root chamber. Before us were Ophelia Skullbourne and Fester Blackheart, possessed by the spirit of their gods. From their instruments poured the wisdom of this ancient tribe who had arrived on Centon even before the days of the Hiuksetl and Chevelargo. The majestic din filled our ears and even Losi, Birdblood and Tesa, who were not acquainted with the Samurian rebels who had assisted us in the battle with the Wyvern elders, were enraptured by the strange hymns of old. The music builds to a terrifying crescendo and Ophilia Skullbourne, screaming, knocks her drums in every direction as Fester hurls his guitar

towards us, barely missing Chanthoth's head. The weird wizard, smiling, applauds as he approaches the duo, "Some of you already know Fester and Ophelia, some of you do not. They have their own score to settle with the Necro twins and are well versed in the art of guerrilla warfare. Together with your knowledge of the terrain, lady Birdblood, you should be able to expel the usurpers from your kingdom." Greetings were exchanged all around and Opheilia, in her ripped black jeans and fur vest, strides over to a hutch carved into the far wall and produces a long necked carafe and eight small glasses, "We shall drink of the oolurt to welcome you into our home. Each of us takes a delicate stemmed glass and raise it in the air as Fester toasts, "To Chanthoth, Samur and Escar we drink, may the kingdoms of Centon into mire sink. The corruption of all stems from within, turns man against man and kin against kin." The viscous green liquid has a sweet, sharp burn when I drain the glass, followed by the overpowering scent of sourwood blossoms rising through my mouth and nose. Smiles break out and Fester shows us to some secondary rooms where our party can rest until we set

off. Opheilia brings us blankets while the leather jacketed Fester prepares bokbala stew. "We shall travel by spider. " Interjects the punk priestess, "It's the fastest way." Chanthoth pipes in, "I shall accompany you to the area where you will need to surface and grow a passage there." Without looking up from the task of sharpening her swords, Maddaughter Tesa adds, "They know we're coming, that's for sure. They tracked us this far, I doubt Necro Baby will call her army home now. We step right into their trap by trying to confront the undead hordes head on. By now every corpse for hundreds of miles is gathered above us." Again, a mischievous smile creeps across Chanthoth's face, "My lady, have you ever heard of the Garm?"

Secondly, Natur's 2012 debut Head Of Death succored us with it's no frills neo-NWOBHM attack. This band is strictly ok, and adheres to the pleasant mediocrity that most of the original geezers aspired to. Janky vocals, pleasingly organic guitar tones, and a slight stoner vibe are to be found here. Not a screaming iron fest, but still an iron fest.

More brash and two fisted metal were West Coast crazies Skelator and their 2010 meat platter Death To All Nations. This is trad metal firmly rooted in the early 80's Metal Blade sound, but with modern production values, so this will make you shit out off all orifices if this is your particular aural enema. Deon Scourge loved this. I thought there was much to be admired, but Borrowed Time stole my heart.

Into the Necro Lands Part 5.2 - Symphony of the Night

The sky is gray and foreboding above Keep Hellbane, capitol of the Necro lands. Fine snow fills the air in a frozen mist that shrouds the castle, turning it into a great black smudge in an ocean of gloom. Inky ducks crowd lazily near the shore of the moat, scattering at the heavy footfalls of Iron James. Corpsepainted and morose, the Necro prince strides through dim corridors. The opulent and forlorn

elegance of this ancient domicile cradles him as he opens the door to the throne room. There to greet him is his sister, the hissing child leader of all the Necro kingdoms, "Your troops have drawn the rebels into our snare. Where are they?" Her lip curls up as she regards Iron James. Having already been informed of his folly, the evil toddler grills him relentlessly, "Why do I not see the bloody heads of the foolish interlopers before me? Have you lost them in our own backyard?" The weary warrior finally has had enough, "Quiet with this babble, we know where they are headed. The area is teeming with our soldiers, they have no chance if they show themselves." Flames leap high out of the brazier before them as Necro Baby's temper flares, "Be off with you, your carelessness will cost us this kingdom if I were not to take care of your problems" The heavily painted eyes of the necromancer queen close and the fire dies down to coals. The door glides noiselessly to a close as Iron James' steps echo into the cold, grim air.

Afterwords, We went on a German happy power metal kick with three epic panzer strength albums from Gamma Ray, who are considered one of the founding fathers of power metal. They formed after Kai Hanson left Helloween to form this band with Primal Fear vocalist Ralf Scheepers. Their first album, Heading For Tomorrow, is firmly in the Helloween style, with big happy choruses and galloping rhythms, but showcase a bombastic and weird Queen influence, which made this the album of the 2nd night (we feasted on metal for days) for me.

Ship ahead to 2005, and Gamma Ray are still pumping out the power metal with Majestic. A juggernaut of shining positivity, this album still pretty much sounds like every other power metal band in existence, existing to force the melodic fist of glory up many a willing anus. Music for sword fighting and gallivanting in space, which is a reoccurring theme with this band.

Jump back to 1997, when exactly 15 people were still into this style of metal in the United States, and Gamma Ray are happily and stubbornly churning out albums like Somewhere Out In Space, a much beloved gem of this band's oeuvre. Less quirky than the debut, and less generic than the later album, this is simply a great power metal album, absolutely everything that you would expect, but done with vigor, enthusiasm, and balls. BALLS TO THE WALL, MAN!!!!!!!!!!


Words of the Elders

O hundred gods, find favor with the deeds of these heroes! O Hasyra and Shperon, light the dark with your golden blades! The winter hornets can still sting in summer and yet the takka bear sleeps in the day. What is the mystery of the mournful land of the half dead and almost living and what plans do they have for the league of heroes? 

Until next week, ruthless raiders, 

Horns

At the Heart of Winter - Frostbitten Black Metal and an Underground Excursion

Welcome to the Polar Vortex, the freeznado of weather anomalies. Heaped upon the deep chilled earth lay the cryogenic dead, waiting to suck out the warmth of the living. Lots of weak poseurs are crying about the weather lately, but not here at the Jenkabala Winter Palace . When the sub-arctic comes to our doorstep, we break out the blizzard blitz of ultra cold black metal and eat ice cream sandwiches made of babies and kittens. We don't cry about nothin', unless there are tears of blood to be shed.

First up, Immortal's frozen classic At The Heart of Winter got the evening off in the right way. This is one of Immortal's finest hours, a mighty frost blast of hyper riffs made of jagged ice crystals. Ok, I'm running out of cheap winter imagery, so I'll stop. With this album, Immortal upped the production values and added a more death metal like riff attack. No longer content with mere blasting noise, there is a degree of dynamics not previously seen on previous albums. The songs are more complex, and there is an element of clean guitars added at various intervals. The songs gallop, blast, occasionally crawl, but always destroy with maximum fuck force.  This album is a certified black metal classic and is the unanimous winner of the fuckin' night.

 Into the Necro Lands Part 4.1 - Solarfall

Computer screens were glowing, providing the only illumination in the underground room. Long consoles, full of blinking lights and monitor displays tinted the air red and green while cloaked figures whose faces were covered by smooth reflective masks typed and calculated, oblivious to our presence. Tesa, Birdblood, Losi, Bloodmace and I were lying where we had fallen into this room from the frozen lake above. "My people, as you may know, relied heavily on biotechnology during our reign as kings of Centon." Chanthoth had donned his long green robe and spoke to us as, one by one, we began to stand. "As you can see, I have reactivated this command post and grown some

humanoids to labor for me. Slowly, I will reopen the transport roots that run the length of Centon." Bloodmace, studying one of the consoles, turned to Canthoth, "Yes, that would certinaly be helpful for shghtseeing. Perhaps you long to glimpse the world before your cycle ends, or maybe you have visions of marching a humanoid army upon this realm while all on the surface are fighting one another?" A sly smile crosses the face of the weird wizard as he criosses the room and punches some buttons on one of the control surfaces, "As you can see," He says, pointing to the largest monitor on the wall, "The forces of Necro Baby and Iron James are closing in on you above. I would hate to be forced to eject you from this sanctuary and into their hands. Do we understand one another?" On the screen, we can see a mass of undead troops scouring the area, along with the horrid deadcats and their boar-faced keepers. "You have been a friend to us in the past Chanthoth, and we wish only to hear your words." The calmness and confidence in my voice startled me. I had never been well spoken in times of crisis and even now my heart raced at the thought of a battle with the forces of black magic that sought us above, "You already know the place we seek passage to, so tell us, can you aid our quest?" The robed mystic turns with a chuckle and calls out to us as he strides through a secret passage that opens behind him with a hiss of air, "But of course, my friends. Follow me, there is someone here who can help you better than I."

 If you name your band Grim Funeral, then perhaps you may be setting yourself up for caricature and self parody. But the band's 2008 debut Grim Funeral To The Soul Of This World, is a satisfying nugget of necrotic black metal. The Catalonian one man band  is dank, depressive, caustic, and bleak; sounding like every other dank, depressive, caustic, bleak one man black metal band, except that the songwriting is competent, and the performance compelling. It manages to capture a singular atmosphere, an anomaly in the event horizon of evil. I recommend this fist fuck for discriminating tastes.

 Into the Necro Lands Part 4.2 - Incantation of He Who Sleeps

Bloodmace and I had seen some of the wonders of the T'Chah Karnac's mastery at the art of blending together biotechnology and black magic when we met Chanthoth after our resurrection on Mount Tarvo, so the transport root did not surprise us, though it was impressive. The root system was

something of a living highway, growing deep underground. From inside this tremendous organism, the T'chah Karnac could traverse the length and breadth of Centon without fear of detection. Created in their secret labs, the plant responded to a combination of electronic signals from the microprocessors that develop in the brain of each T'Chah at adulthood and incantations passed down from time immemorial. In this way, they were able to manipulate the form of this being they had engineered, creating passages to the surface world at will. Losi, Birdblood and Tesa were marveling at the bizarre passage as we followed Chanthoth. Our unusual benefactor turned to them and explained, "The root is covered with luminous fungi and insects, all the sections I have repaired are now lit. Birdblood, are you familiar with the Haaskupf Wood?" The flame-haired avian noble nods her head and repies, "Yes, this is the place where the necro forces launched their raid on the

Nest of Evil." We arrive at a fork in the root and our robed guide follows the smaller passage that veers to the right. He looks back at Birdblood and replies, "That is the furthest I have been able to complete my work in this direction. You will have to battle your way in from there." As we walk further, there is a noise in the distance that becomes louder and more intelligible. There is a bright light ahead, emanating from a doorway on the right side. Chanthoth addresses us again, "You will need help, I have called upon the Samurian Punx." we approach the door and peering in, I behold our old friends Opheilia Skullbourne and Fester Blackheart. Behind a drum kit, Opheilia bashes away maniacally while fester, abusing a mossy demon guitar, is screaming into a fungus blossom that rises from the floor.

Oddly disappointing was Blood of Kingu's 2nd album, Sun In The House Of The Scorpion. While bleak ionosphere of pain and suffering. The sound is more epic, the riffs broader, but they lack fierceness and sheer occult wierdness of the previous offering. If I were you, I'd check out De Occulta Philosophia, and skip this one.
their first album is a classic of hypnotic evil and unholy repetition, this album offers nothing new.