Blackened Fucking Thrash, You Tot Munching Lunatics!!!!!!!!!!!

In the Gallery of Blood and Tots comes the Night. In the time of Leeches and Slime comes forth the Shadow Scroll. I'm rambling like a Time Desert platypus. I straddle the Glue Huffers Oracle. This is the Night of Blackened Thrash! Onto the  reviews!

      Midnight's new album, No Mercy For Mayhem, is fucking rad and pretty much what you'd expect from these perverts. Straightforward blackened thrash ala Motorhead, Venom, and early Metallica. The riffs are solid, the rhythm steady and fierce, the songs simple and to the point. EVIL!!!! EVIL!!!!! That's the chorus to the first song, Evil Like A Knife. I wish Atherer's vocals were a little more distinctive and melodic, but the shrieking growl keep hold down the black to an otherwise traditional sound.


     Shitfucker's 2013 opus won our hearts as Winner of the Night! Sucks Cocks In Hell  is extremely dirty, filthy thrash, sounding like it was concocted in a Brazilian sex dungeon. Nothing fancy here. Filth piled on punked up, thrashed out filth. At times it's so filthy it feels like grindcore, but the riffs and rhythms are firmly rooted in thrash. The best thing about the album are the insane lyrics. Songs like Rock n Roll Freaky Dude are not without a trace of irony (sounds like these guys listen to tons of Japanese thrash like Abigail), but are so unhinged and batshit insane the hipster element is quickly forgotten. Great stuff from the Dirty D.


     Last, we heard the Indianapolis dirt merchants called Maax.  Thier 2011 album, Unholy Rock N Roll, is a a gruffer beast, sounding like it was made by meth fiend bikers on a cornhole frenzy. It's tight, uncomplicated thrash metal with growly black metal vocals. The album drags on too long, though. These toughs are gonna kick you in the balls for several hours. Nuff said. Hailz the blackened thrash!!!!!!!!!

Waylordian Magic and the Invocation of the Dead

Fiends, sycophants, gather round!!! Recently, I, Bloodmace, had the opportunity to invoke the ancient Waylorian Rite of the Dead at the Invocation Ceremony at the Dragon's Milk Gallery of Horrors and Church of True Metal. This a record of the word and the deeds of this fate event.  I take full responsibility. 

I am Bloodmace!!!!!!! Son of Bloodhammer, Brother of Demon Scourge, Warrior of Centon, Guardian of The Time Desert and the multidimensional lands, Hammer of the Wyverns and many such vile beasts, Scion of Waylor, Priest of Jenkabala Temple.

I am here to give you secret knowledge from this magic scroll called.....the Necro Laptop. I seek to give you pleasure and pain.....PAIN!!!!!! such pain with my words and....such pleasure! I learned, long ago, from the wizards of Waylor, who wear the foreskins of their enemies around their necks as magic totems of power, the vile secrets of Waylorian magic. You see, Waylorian magic is a form of necromancy. In order for Waylorian magic to work it's vile essence, a life must be taken, and it's soul transformed through the patches of power, and unleashed back into the body of the victim, turned forever into a soulless husk to be directed by the whims of the Waylorian wizard. Through such a vessel are the Spells fo Power enacted, to be used by the Wizard as a Zombie of Revenge!! I am such a Waylorian Wizard!!! And I shall now perform an act of Waylorian magic, for your entertainment. Who shall be my victim?? Who among you gives yourself willingly to the my evil gnosticism and dark art?

Yes, my friend, come to me!!! Stand here. Do not move. Don't be a dick!

I shall now begin the ritual. You have given yourself to me completely.

THROUGH THE VENOM PATCH, I RELEASE EVIL SPIRITS FROM THE REALM OF THE DEAD!!!!!

THROUGH THE SLAYER PATCH, I CALL UPON THE GOD OF THE UNDERWORLD TO UNLEASH HIS SWORD AGAINST THE WILLING VICTIM!!!! DIE BY THE SWORD OF THE DEAD, THOU VICTIM!!!!! DIE!!!! DIE!!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!

THROUGH THE DEATH PATCH, I COMMAND YE DEAD SPIRITS TO ENTER THE LIFELESS CORPSE OF MY WILLING VICTIM!!!! IA!!! IA!!!! GO FORTH!!!! GO FORTH!!!!!!! RISE OH WILLING VICTIM!!!! RISE!!!!!! RISE!!!!!!

THROUGH THE ENSLAVED PATCH, I COMMAND THEE TO BE MY SERVANT FOR ALL TIME, UNTIL THE SKIN DROPS FROM YOUR BONES TO BE DEVOURED BY WORMS!!!!

TO COMPLETE THE SPELL, I SAY THE WORDS IN THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANCIENT UNDEAD KINGS OF WAYLOR!!!! HOSH CA MA THA CLUTTU MAKKA RYE!!!! WAYLOR SAN NECROTTA NISH GINTU HAKKA LIE!!!!! ARISE!!! ARISE!!!! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND RISE!!!!!!!!

As you can see, this willing victim is now my magic vessel of doom, ready to fuck your shit up at any time that I please. ahahahahahahahahaha!!!

BUT WAIT!!!! WHAT IS THIS???? This cannot be!!! Why are you going to Necrobaby??? She has no power here??? You are my servant!!! I command you to desist!!!! Desist!!!!! THE NECROBABY HAS TAKEN OVER MY WAYLORIAN ZOMBIE!!!! She is more power than I possibly could have imagined!!! WE ARE DOOMED!!! DOOMED!!!! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!! FLEE!!!!!!!!

OH, DESPAIR CENTON!!!!!! DESPAIR!!!!!!