Thursday, March 13, 2014

No Heroes - Stonefist and Jenkabala together!

Ok fuckle faces!!!!!! The Judgement of Metal Night is back from his wandering in the hellish subtropics!!! I return to you with evil tidings and praise of death. I look forward to bloviating my highly informed opinions on the dark metal arts to anyone who cares to read at the expense of anyone elses opinion, FOR THIS IS MY POWER, MY BIRTHRIGHT, MY DOMAIN!!!!!! Now onto the catch-up post, since I have been fucking lazy.

Last week, Lady Bloodbird and crew stormed Jenkabala Temple and were totally underwhelmed by the over-rated force that are Warlock. What a stinking pile of crap!!! Here are my brief judgements on each album

Into the Necro Lands Part 8.1 - Signs of Satan
A fire burned brightly in the hearth inside the Nest of Evil, shadows flitted around the room as the others in my party recovered from the black spell of depression I cast using the Mournful Congregation patch given to me by Rangar before the battle in Narn. I stared out the great circular window in front of me, gazing at the blanket of stars that covered the sky and contemplating my dilemma. The enchantment worked to wipe out the ghoulish regiments who had besieged us while we attempted to liberate Lady Birdblood's beloved outpost, but there were unintended consequences. Before me sat my companions, who were each capable warriors, reduced to a state of listless anxiety that paralyzed them from within their own minds. I knew it would only be a matter of time before retaliation came in the form of Necro Baby and Iron James. We had succeeded in the first battle with help from Chanthoth and his mystical spell accelerator, the Garm, but now I no longer felt the rhythm of the legendary machine. As powerful as my own magic was, the Necro Tribe were not an enemy to be toyed with. Unless I had an idea soon, they would come and we would die.

Burning The Witches-It was ok. Some good riffs and some songs but the relentless vibrato of vocalist Doro Pesch is grating.

Hellbound-It was crap. Weak riffs, weak songs, bullshit dated production effects. Just crap.


True As Steel- It was crap. Same as above. Just crap.

Into the Necro Lands Part 8.2 - Homicide Rocker 
I was lost in contemplation, weighing our options, when the sound of motorized vehicles drew my attention back to the window. 'This is it,' I thought to myself, suddenly filled with panic. I peered out, waiting for the invaders to come into view. Suddenly, a rusty jalopy launched past the window followed by another. The cars landed with a great crash, pieces of the bodies flying everywhere. I grabbed a laser rifle from the rack nearby and prepared myself for the assault, but when the occupants emptied out from the battered sedans, my heart raced with joy. It was Skyrock Cursebringer and the Castle Stonefist cavalry. From the second car, WarRoc Pain Vessel and Dentra the high priestess emerged. I rushed out to the door, motioning our friends in from the armored portal. Greeting the hardcore three, I explain the predicament we find ourselves in as they warm themselves by the fire. warroc stares silently into the fire for a few moments, then speaks, "Our time is short, for even now the people of Stonefist are preparing the harvested grain for market, but we will help you. Necro Baby must be stopped, her necromancers have been blocking the trade routes and attacking our grain convoys all year and with the harvest passed we must be able to pass through the Necro Lands to deliver our goods to Samur and points north." Skyrock walks around the room, examining the fallen warriors. He looks over to me and asks, "This was the Mournful Congregation patch that did this, is it not?" I nod my head in the affirmative and add, "Yes with the help of the Garm." The thin, light-haired chieftain, clad in tight black denim and animal pelts, begins to draw animal bones from the pockets of his
garments. With leather straps, he ties one to each of my ailing compatriots. WarRoc has begun pacing around the room, clearing a path to mosh in. Turning to Dentra, in her flowing robes and conical hat, the powerhouse of Stonefist calls out to the priestess, "The spell, let it be written on the air!" From her spot in the middle of the room, the diminutive sorceress draws sigils in the air under the inky fabric that billows out over her hands. From its hiding spot, a white cat with fiery eyes appears on Dentra's shoulder and produces a fearsome yowl that startlingly morphs into what I can only assume is one of the legendary thirteen anthems of Stonefist, a careening hardcore tune that blisters my ears as WarRoc begins to mosh. The music and dancing builds to a crescendo then suddenly stop. The cat returns to its hiding place and Skyrock, beating on a small drum with one hand, sings a haunting ballad while placing his hand upon each of the stricken. The song makes the fire leap and dance with white and purple flames and one by one Bloodmace, Tesa, Birdblood and the Samurian rebels awake from the depressive curse.

The week before, we journeyed to Castle Stonefist, an austere straightedge fortress of renown, to check out some metallic bites of straightedge hardcore .

Have Heart- Songs To Scream At the Sun- It was good but not really metal.  Very straightforward, very street, very hardcore, very straightedge, very brief.

Converge-No Heroes. This album was fucking awesome and I do not understand why the sexless shut in metal nerds at Metal Archives exclude them from that site when Dillinger Escape Plan and hordes of other sound alike bands already are. It's a ferocious beast that has several million riffs and jumps around like a crack addicted toddler with Tourette's.

Elysia- Lion Of Judas-It was pretty great. Not all that metal, either.

Words of the Elders
Thus the heroes were saved again by the mysterious harvesters of Centon's grain. O hundred gods, find favor with the deeds of these heroes! O Hasyra and Shperon, light the dark with your golden blades! The winter hornets can still sting in summer and yet the takka bear sleeps in the day. What is the mystery of the mournful land of the half dead and almost living and what plans do they have for the league of heroes? 

Until next week,  homicide rockers, 








Horns

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