To Glory We Steer - The Lazy Man's Guide to Being Lazy

Gentle and steadfast reader, my apologies. I am a lazy fucking bastard and have neglecting my Metal Night duties. I spend so much time jacking off to furry porn that I sometimes forget to bathe or dress myself. Thus, the make-up post. I'm gonna tell you about some albums we listened to that were great, and maybe one that wasn't so great. Then I'm going to go back to jacking off. Onwards to gloryhole!!!

Well, last night was fucking crazy because we listened to a bunch of 1980's ers K-tell Metal compilation cassette's. This was the shit they would sell at Meijer's or K-mart for $5 and usually include at a bunch of bands that were only marginally metal. But the best one was the thrashy Metal Meltdown. Released in 1988,  featuring a nice mix of thrash, like Anthrax and Exodus, with traditional bands like Judas Priest and Accept, and smattering of hair metal, like Vinnie Vincent Invasion.  Whoever slapped this together seemed to have a good sense of what metal actually is, unlike the other douche bags who hurriedly slapped together all those other comps. 

The week before we checked out a bunch of blackened doom and Barathrum caught my ear. Their 1997 album Infernal is slow and doomy black metal, a churning cauldron of slow brewing hatred, Bathory meets
Celtic Frost in Darkthrone's rehearsal space. Good shit, is all I've got to say. I strangled a kitten to death while listening to this. That's what black metal is for. 

And then previously, we fucked around and listen to some horror themed Metal. Macabre's goofy thrashy death/grind antic won the night. Sinister Slaughter is an early 90's death metal classic. A serial killer
themed concept album, it is both entertaining and ripping, with some deft, non-flashy guitar work and a nimble rhythm section. This album jacks off with the entrails of your mom in a charnel house of pain and woe. Whoa!

The sky was bright and clear when Vecton and I boarded the hovercraft and set on our way to the outpost of Iron Dan. Gliding across the autumnal landscape of our beloved Jenkabala, with it's fiery reds and oranges, we silently contemplated the deeds of this mystic of the north. Son of Parthon the Elder, he was present at the great battle of Samur, when the Wyvern were defeated and the last surviving priest of the

T'Chah Karnac was freed from his prison. He was the warrior who bound Iron James to the battle jacket in order to contain the fearsome Necro Baby back in the days of pride. Gray factories whiz by the windows, dark and teeming with foul mutants who suck the meat from their victims bones with a chilling screech. When at last we passed from this cursed place into Abrin, land of aviation and commerce, the sun was sinking below the horizon and the shadows stretched out to envelop us like great dark arms. Our craft hummed through the maze of plain stone buildings until we reached the bunker of the legendary wizard. The oak doors swing open and there before us is the man himself. Wrapped in the iridescent cloth of his forefathers, he spoke to us, “Enter friends, there is much to be done.” Indeed, there was much to be done, for on this night we were to examine bands from the early days of Japanese metal. Little did we know it would very nearly cost us our sanity.

Brave Bomber – Warlike power metal, this band eventually changed their name to Gaisen March and continue to this day as a ferocious, militaristic speed metal band. We listened to their First Bomb and Second Bomb demos. They were the most recent band we listened to and you can hear the echos of the nascent German power metal scene in their sound.

Breaker – Though the “Heroes' Metal” and “I Wish You to Feel the Great Heavy Metal” demos we listened to came out, respectively, in '88 and '91, the sound is pure NWOBHM with, of course, a lot of Accept

influence. Japan has always been known as a bastion of heavy metal fandom and Breaker is most definitely a product of that community. The earlier demo showcases a much less fashionable denim and leather approach to the music, while the later adds a bit more dimension with longer song structures and more varied songwriting.

Outrage – Bay area thrash comes to Nagoya. Probably the most successful band we listened to (certainly one of the few who made it our of the demo stage.) This EP is Metallica worship through and through, enjoyable but derivative. I listened to some of their later material and they seemed to go mainstream hard rock at some point.

Precious – Power metal anthems with tasteful synth and a Dio/Dokken feel. I found this album to be a fun, inconsequential offering. A frothy confection spiced up with some exciting prog rock elements. According to Metallum, the band was formed by the Japanese heavy metal label Mandrake Root to promote their new guitar hero, Akria Kajiyama. This album makes perfect sense when you consider that one of Kajiyama's later projects, a tribute to Rainbow, would lead him to a gig as a main collaborator with Joe Lynn Turner for a good chunk of the early 2000's

Ageless – I get the feeling they are known more for the unhinged engrish rant on the back of this EP than the good, Neat Records influenced metal these derelicts banged out in some unknown studio. Nice, speedy riffage dominates most of the running time and vocalist Yoshiyuki Nogura pulls off a decent version of the 'ol heavy metal screech. It's too bad the only thing they put out after this was a demo from '87 that seems to have slipped through the cracks of time.

Battle Axe – All that remains of this slick, all-female ensemble from Osaka is two demos from 1985. Sounding something like Girlschool, they rip through some great metal anthems on the recording we heard, Battle Axe 3.

Cry-Max – My pick for band of the night. There was something about the sneering delivery and the hateful fuzz guitars of the last track, Abungald Coup d'Etat that made my ears perk up. When the vocals finally cede to an instrumental break, the searing synth lead that follows made me lo0se my shit. I'm not usually one for this type of shenanigans in my metal, but Cry-Max won my heart from the very first track. Half of the band moved on to the early visual kai band Gilles de Rais. 

With each album, Iron Dan and Vecton the Bard spun further into madness. Spells were cast with flaming hands and screams of madness echoed through the night. Ancient guardians gathered from dimensions unknown to witness the explosive competition of these weird mortals, each striving to prove his magic the most powerful. When at last I feared these two would crack open the very ground upon witch we stood and the enchanted bunker felt as though it was about to burst from the spiritual energy within, a familiar voice boomed out, “Hai! What's all this then?” Through the thick clouds and floating ash, Bloodmace of Waylor strode, cape billowing out behind him. “Come, Demon Scourge, let us end this foolish game.” I followed my brother into the fray and at his signal, we both used the Stryper patches on our battle jackets to bind the wonton sinners long enough for me to enrapture them with the Dio emblem. While the dust settles and our friends recover from their sudden burst of madness, Bloodmace turns toward me, “Good thing I came back when I did. The last thing we need is another Thrashstone massacre on our hands. Now let's try some of this excellent Samurian milk pie before it gets cold”

Until next time, phantom hellriders



Horns