Blackout - The return of Chanthoth and a Visit With the Scorpions

I never would have listened to the Scorpions back in 1991. This dedicated thrasher was just getting into grunge and death metal and Faith No More and a whole bunch of bands like Mind Funk and Fishbone that I don't care about anymore. The Scorpions were just cheesy coked up washed up Spinal Tapped rock whores whose biggest hit, Winds of Change, was the worst song in the world. I mean, The Zoo and Rock You Like A Hurricane weren't bad songs, they were fun at karaoke, but otherwise, fuck the Scorpions. But alas, I grew older and then came the internet and I got the opportunity to check out some back catalogs. And let me tell you something....old school Scorps is the fuckin' shit, dude! Check it out! Owwww!

So we started with their 1976 classic Virgin Killer, whose original album cover would probably get them all thrown in jail if released today. This album is the founding document of their metal sound, having spent the early 70's as a Hendrixy hard hippy noodle band. The riffs, leads(via Uli Jon Roth, whose sound prefigures Yngwie) and sharp soaring harmonies set the fucking standard. Just check out the chorus of Catch Your Train and try to get that fucker out of your head for the next three weeks. There are a couple semi-funky misfires, sung by Uli Roth, but's its always fun listening to German guys get funky. And, of course, the sucky ballad that became a staple for every album they would ever release. But whatever. The title track is as intense as anything you are ever going to hear from 1976.


Into the Necro Lands Part 3.1 - Polar Nights
The winter had come early in the necro lands and the transport we had stolen from the supply depot chugged slowly across the monochrome plains east of Lady Birdblood's Nest of Evil. Snow whipped down from the brooding sky, obscuring everything but the immediate area around the rusty lorry. Since daybreak, Maddaughter Tesa had been driving us through this wasteland, slogging down the

rough two track path made almost impassable by the sudden storm. Bloodmace and I were in the back with Losi of the Wolfskeep while Birdblood used her navigator to keep us on the path to her stolen kingdom. "Ok, the turn is right up..." Birdblood squinted her eyes below blood red bangs as her gaze darted between the screen and the road ahead. "...Here." Tesa jerked the wheel left, the truck banked and seemed like it was going to roll as the back end spun out and around. In slow motion, I saw the massive spray of snow thrown out by the spinning vehicle and then we came to a stop. 

The next album, was the winner of the night. Taken By Force is a harder, more metal beast. The hilariously anthemic Steamrock Fever starts the album out the right way, a commercial metal juggernaut that is catchy and rockin'. Also, if you are looking to the Scorps for lyrical depth, look elsewhere, unless you want a chuckle, since they are a model of English as a second language buffoonery. The album center piece, Sails of Charon, is the best pure metal song they ever wrote, melding classical riffery with rock n roll elegance, uncharacteristly upping the IQ quotient of this album . This is a sweet album. This was the last album with Uli Jon Roth.


 Into the Necro Lands Part 3.2 - Sails of Charon

"Fuck this" Tesa hollered, slamming her fist on the steering wheel. Everyone was unhurt after our wipe out, but we now were stuck with the rear passenger side of our transport wedged on to a mound of packed snow. "Alright," I suggested, "Bloodmace and I can get us on the road" My brother nodded

and we all piled out into the blizzard. Day was starting to fade, turning the already bleak landscape even more murky. We were about to use our Immortal patches to call some snow demons to aid us when a figure emerged from the gloom. My heart began to race when I caught sight of the gauzy figure, for as its aspect became clearer to me I realized we had been tracked all the way by Necro Baby's minions. With the body and face of a great cat, but covered all over with tough rhino hide, there was no mistaking the undead hissing and vacant stare. The beast charged at me, but was cut short with a swipe from Tesa's heavy battle ax, its blood crystallizing in the frozen air as it exploded from the twitching body. For a moment there was silence as we all stood in a circle, weapons at the ready, then the battle exploded. Two more deadcats bounded into view, along with their keepers, horrible boar-like humanoids, naked and screaming, swords and pistols in the air. Losi, who had gone into the wolfskin and transformed herself into a hulking gray wolf, immediately took out one of them out, tearing away its whole throat as she whizzed by. The other took a shot at our friend with his handgun, but Bloodmace scorched him with a blast from the Venom patch. Suddenly one of the deadcats was upon him. I rushed over to help, tossing a dagger into the foul beasts forehead. Looking behind me, I could see Tesa running through the snow toward the remaining foe. I took a deep breath and turned to see what I could do for the truck when I heard the booming voice of Bloodmace, "Holy fuck, it's a convoy people, get on your feet!" Indeed, coming down the rough road were a dozen pair of headlights. They couldn't yet see us, but there would be no hiding from them now. Tesa approached, as did Losi and Birdblood. We gathered at the transport. Tesa spoke first, "Let us battle, we'll crush them into dust" She gripped the ax in one hand and a longsword in another. "Battle it is,"

Bloodmace shouted and raised his fist into the air with unabashed glee. Losi, still in wolf form, growled approvingly. "Wait." A familiar voice burst out, "I have a better idea." Seemingly out of nowhere, Chanthoth, last of the T'Chah Karnac, wandered in before us. "Follow me, I have a secret retreat up here, and I might be able to help you with your problem in the tree fort" We followed the lightly clad relic into a stand of pine trees nearby as we heard the shouts and hisses of the posse who had been sent to find us discovering our abandoned vehicle and the slaughter nearby. "Do like I do!" Chanthoth yelled back at us. We followed as he ran up to a small hill before a frozen pond. Black ducks scattered as he jumped from the small ridge and broke through the ice, dark water glugging behind him. "This better work!" I yell to my brother in midair. There is a crack of ice, a rush of cold, then darkness.

Skip ahead few years to 1982 and the Scorpions release one of their biggest albums, the party rock classic Blackout. This is pure arena metal; hooks galore, slick as hairspray, loud, proud, and kinda dumb. Quite enjoyable, especially after a few beers. You have heard the first three songs on this album played a zillion times on classic rock radio, especially 'No One Like You'. You might have gotten laid to these songs.


Words of the Elders
Sister moon, hear our cry! Brother wolf, come now to the aid of your pack! In the blackest of nights, the tribe will come together, so it goes on centon. Hail to the black firre that burns down within the souls of humankind on the timepiece world! Hail to the deep river and the mantle of sorrow! Winter has come early in the necro lands and fear blows with the snow.

Until next week, bloody butchers, 






Horns