Screaming For A Love Bite - Accept Vs. U.D.O. Vs. The Tot Vortex

Germans are a hearty, industrious people, as you may have heard. Mindful of their dark

history, and tortured by their unrelenting work ethic,  they have created a society that melds their iron discipline with the all encompassing openness of the modern liberal welfare state. They make great automobiles and even better heavy metal. Accept is one of the founding fuehrers of the German metal scene, and on their best albums, they are fronted by the man with the world's most metal name, Udo Dirkschnieder. Tonight, we put the best of Accept up against the best of  Udo's eponymous solo output, U.D.O.

Accept's 1981 breakout album, Breaker, is a gleaning, established classic of Teutonic riff mastery. Its her that Dirkschiender fully mastered the gargled razor blade vocal assault. The songs are varied and have one foot firmly planted in the 70's, while the other foot firmly kicking ass 80's style. Album highlight is 'Son of a Bitch', a rude and cathartic anthem to swearing. This song made faces explode from awesomeness back in the day. This one made Vecton the Bard bleed from all orifices and a few others.


This week, we begin a new series in the story of Centon, Lives of the Noble Centonians. For the next while we shall share stories from the lives of the characters in this strange land. Enjoy! 
-Demon Scourge
Lives of the Noble Centonians Part 1.1 - Up to the Limit

Bloodmace held his breath as he cocked the bow back. The yat ambled slowly from the bush where it was hiding, its massive rack of antlers casting a long shadow in the late afternoon sun. Exhaling slowly, he lets go of the arrow and watches as it rips through the throat of the unsuspecting beast, who emits a choking gasp then falls to the ground. This was only the third year the young warrior had been allowed to hunt by himself and he was overtaken with excitement as he trudged through the cool Waylorian morning to Keep Raven. Knowing his father was to hold court that afternoon, he left the carcass of the beast hanging in the meat shed and followed the shady path down Mount Raven

towards the damp lowland. Just a couple nights previously, he overheard his father speak gravely of a group of sauropeds who had been camping in Aethac swamp. The people of the village feared them and blamed the strangers for some recent thefts of livestock. As the bold youngster approached the swamp, he heard the exotic music of the north. He couldn't make out all the words, but the song was clearly venerating some demon of their pantheon. His heavy boots trudge through thick mud until he reaches a small island in the marsh, surrounded by reeds and low hanging trees. Several of the lizard like humanoids are seated around a smoldering pile of fragrant bark. At Bloodmace's approach, they quickly stand, swords drawn. The tall lizard man in the back, resplendent in the ceremonial garb of his brethren, speaks sharply, "What is your business human? We do not have your gomenti, nor have we stolen crops from your fields." Bloodmace, grasping the magic weapon hanging on his belt, sticks out his chest and replies, "I am Bloodmace of Waylor and my father is the king of these lands. It is I who should be asking you what business you have in our realm." His words were spoken forcefully, but inside he felt unsure of his decision to present himself to this possibly dangerous bunch of intruders. The sauroped priest, sheathing his sword replies, "Very well Bloodmace of Waylor, you have seen, now go. We are leaving now, but this spell must be cast before we can go anywhere. Go back to your father, little one." Face flush with embarrassment, the adolescent hunter turns to leave, but from a theeba cart nearby, a voice croaks out, "Wait! I must speak to the prince before he departs. It's very important." The Sauropeds look at one another in disbelief. The voice becomes even more shrill and impatient, "Bring him to me, now, I must see him at once!"

Skip to 1985 and Metal Heart comes crashing through your ventricles. This is unapologetic, meat and potatoes metal for the masses. This is a heavier, nastier beast, less varied, but  tightly focused on kicking your hiney with commando style badassery. The standout is the stinky cheese fest of 'Screaming For A Love Bite' which is the best song never to appear on Turbo, and had us creaming our leathers and singing along like prepubes at a Justin Beiber concert. It's a song about hickies, written by men in their 30's. I love heavy metal. This album made Demon Scourge scrape off the face of a baby. Not Necrobaby, just a regular baby.


And then Udo quits Accept. Accept decide they want to make money and hire a more commercial sounding singer. They fail. U.D.O. bursts upon the scene; unapologetic, frantic, and metal as fuck. Timebomb was their 4th album until a 6 year hiatus. It is the logical continuation of the Accept
formula, but on steroids, and with no interest in making hit singles. This is the heaviest but least interesting album we heard that night. It's still a great album, but definitely meat and potatoes with little gravy. No fancy stuff, just large, sweaty, hairy balls slapping you in the face until blood-clots  form.


 Lives of the Noble Centonians Part 1.2 - Thunderforce

A theeba is shifting about impatiently, its long claws scratching the moist soil as Bloodmace is escorted around the other side of the small cart attached to the mountain lizard so that he can see the occupant of the covered vehicle. "Come closer, closer little one." Says the voice from under the linen wrappings that cover all but the piercing eyes of the seated figure. Feeling uncomfortable and a bit sheepish, he inches closer, nudged by the priest behind him. An ambigously female voice issues agin from beneath the wrappings, "Leave us, I have something to tell the son of Bloodhammer." The sleek shamen turns to go, vestments of faceted stone sparkling in the twilight gloom. The stranger turns to Bloodmace and removes the gauzy wrapping from its head, revealing a ravishing green eyed

sauroped, light and dark scales running in a helix pattern down her head and neck accentuated the strong lines of her long face. She cocked her head to take in the royal heir, "You certainly are a handsome one young Bloodmace. Do you know why we are here?" Bloodmace, transfixed by the strange, rough voice coming from the beautiful face before him answers, "No, I only know that my people are not welcome among yours in the north." The princess looks down and shakes her head sadly, "It was not always like this, and it shall not stand, but yes, what you say is true. You know nothing of me or of my reasons for passing here so I will just tell you that I have escorted a human your age from Samur into the Time Desert. What I am about to tell you, you will forget until the time you need to remember, then you will know that the sauropeds have done their part in the destiny of Centon." She reaches out a graceful arm and with long fingers brushing against his cheek and neck, she guides his face close to hers. Bloodmace's heart races as her sweet, haunting smell fills his senses. Her lips brush his ear as she softly whispers her secret, voice like a lover's hand caressing the growing youngster's spine and brushing this information somewhere deep in the reptilian base of his brain. The morning sun was shining brightly as his father's men awoke him in the Aethac swamp, dragging the disgraced boy from the mud, laughing, congratulating him on his kill of the day before. As they climbed up the rocky slope near the little island in the middle of the marsh, Bloodmace looked back, trying desperately to remember what the beautiful lizard had told him in his trance, but each time he tried to remember, the sweet smell of sourwood bark locked him out. Somewhere far down the trail, throaty laughter echoed into the balmy air and the smell of sourwood rose up as a supplication to the sky

For me the album of the night was 1999's Holy. This is the document of metal masters in full control of the art form, and maybe even a little bored, therefore playful. This is still meat and potatoes traditional metal, but unexpected, even subtle elements turn up here and there, elevating an already great album,. You'll hear a clean, almost jazzy guitar solo here, a power metal type chorus there. The last song tinkles the ivories a bit. Udo sounds reved up yet somehow more relaxed, absolutely confident that his razor blade gargling throat will carry the day. Mature and unexpected. I rate this  the  Winner of  Metal Night. All the albums were winners though, and much ale and merriment was had this night, my friends. Oh, yes indeed.

Words of the Elders

Chief among the noble Centonians is the warrior priest Bloodmace, one of the twin sons of Bloodhammer. In his formative years, he knew nothing of Jenkabala, where his kingdom would at last rise, but there were many signs that did not go unnoticed by his father. For now though, he carries one secret Bloodhammer could never know, but that's a story for later.

Until next week whiplash warriors,

Horns