Prohibited Angels - Sex Metal and the Gate of Light

In a Metal Warriors loins holds the future of mankind. Yes, ahhhh, the stench of sex. We propagate our seed all over the landscape and all over the computer screen. Wench's bow before the unholy alter of our carnal lust. Our axes....our raging hard-ons!!! And upon this night we thrust thusly into the wicked carnality of........Sex Metal!!!!!

Sex Trash-Funeral Serenade is a worth successor to 1989's epic ode to debauchery, Sexual Carnage. I don't give a fuck what the nerds on Metallum say......this a is a righteous and wicked death/thrash album. This album hold little subtlety. The riffs diddle you senseless. The pummeling rhythm section sodomizes you without mercy, without prophylactics, and plenty of sand in your Vaseline.  But most  precious are the lyrics. They may lack the the explicitness of a Cannibal Corpse or the 100's of porn grind bands out there, but, what they possess is all the grimy ardor of an authentic pervert. So this one was the obvious winner of the night, though events grew much seedier as the evening progressed.

Adventure in Samur Part 17.1 - Wind Assassin

The crystal canyon in the wilds of the Dantorian Mountains, home of Vecton the Bard and the gate of light. The walls that rise from near the banks of the river Asdid are aflame with blazing colors and impossible shapes. From every quarter, strange geometric configurations jut from smooth surfaces in a kind of insane perfection. Mistress Crowbastard, Jarkon the Inflamer, Lars the Berserker, Bloodmace and I, Demon Scourge have made our way across the treacherous plains of this hostile dimension to defeat Centon's greatest enemy, Lord Headron. Hovering in front of us as we make our way down the polished floor of the canyon is Vecton the Bard, long armed, winged sentinel of this secret passage into the belly of Headron's fortress. Turing to address us, he says, "When Headron

drove the people of this land into the mountains, he never expected that we would thrive here in this rocky wilderness. This canyon is the secret jewel of our new kingdom. It is the power that drives the Sectaurian empire and provides it with a natural gateway to the adjoining dimensions." Mistress Crowbastard pipes in, "How is it that Headron cannot detect the magic from the gateway here. Surely it is close enough to his fortress that he could easily find the source of such a powerful emanation." Bloodmace, thoughtfully tapping his signature weapon against his hand speaks up as well, "Indeed, how can such a powerful wizard not detect the magic that must be very hot in proximity?" A smile breaks across Vecton's face and he gestures as he speaks, "This is the mbeauty of the crystal canyon. The gate is naturally occurring, that is to say that there was no magic involved in opening it and thus, none to detect." Lars the Berserker looks around in wonderment proclaiming to no one in particular, "This is it, I thought it was only legend but..." He trails off as our attention is commanded by the great flapping and hearty caw as the raven haired mistress of the night turns into her animal form. Leaping

into the air, she soars high above us, perching upon an impossibly distant outcropping in the translucent cliff face. Again, our host speaks, "Ha ha! The healing powers of this place are known to our people. You each will feel an increase of your powers as you travel through this strange grotto. Come now," He says, motioning with his hands, " the gate is very near." We follow Vecton as he squeezes through a small opening in a massive quartz, Mistress Crowbastard turning back to her human form as she reaches our position. Inside we behold a breathtaking sight. We are standing inside what seems to be a geodesic enclosure of light emitting crystal, whose shade and brightness fluctuated wildly, creating a bath of multicolored luminescence. The smooth floor of the impressive chamber was barren save for a black stone statue of Rangar, first emperor of the gate of light. Vecton, speaks loudly, in a commanding voice, "Ready yourselves, my friends, we are about to begin the final battle for the liberation of Centon. Hai!"

We next listened to Japan's Sex Machineguns and their  1998 self titled debut pretty much because they had sex in the band name. Nothing about this band is really remotely sexy or deranged, for that matter. What we got a was a competent if long metal album that skulked rather blandly between power metal and thrash. Nice chunky guitar sound, but bland in the vocal department. Nothing really awful about this album, just nothing really special about it either.And it deeply disappointed on the perversion level. Come on, Japanese Metalheads!! We Americans depend on you to be innovators of squick! More tentacle porn, less heroics, please. Thanks you.

Rockbitch were easily the worst band of the night and one of the worst bands we have ever bothered to listen to. Their epic live sex shows, featuring oddles of nudity and live sex acts, were the only reason this all psuedo pagan whore band ever got any attention. Nothing about their boring late 90's alterna-rock had any redeeming value. You've heard all these over produced rock moves from Stone Temple Pilots and Creed before, ad nauseum. Boring songs, hackneyed open chord riffs, ect. If you check out their website, there are tons of wank worthy pics. That's about the only value this band possesses.

We quit Rockbitch halfway through the album and, in desperation, threw on Faster Pussycat's first album. We were hoping these LA sleaze stalwarts would give us an old fashioned rockin' good time, but their collection of hackneyed ACDC riffs, whiney punkified vocals, and uninspired song writing hurled us further to despairing flaccidity. They are worthy of the moniker 'the poor man's Gun's N Roses'. The lyrics show some wit, but it's clear that these douchbags were simply riding a gigantic wave of hairspray in the late 80's.

Adventure In Samur Part 17.2 - Devil Wing

Carried away with the rush of power from the extraordinary crystal canyon, we follow Vecton the Bard past the gate of light and down a small stair at the other end of the great hall. Down and down we went for what seemed like an eternity until we finally and unceremoniously reached the bottom of the stair, a dank cavern, pitch black. Our guide turned on a light ahead of us and we silently made our way to its mouth. Sliding out a crevasse barely big enough to fit through, we found ourselves inside Lord Headron's domain. Everything here is greenish gray and drips with a foul slime. Making our way quietly down this passage, we peer around corners and duck behind statues, but there is not a sign of anyone here. Slowly making our way to the tower, where we know we must end up, a feeling of dread begins to settle in the group. We are not hindered by a hellish wolf wasp or fanged orc and this is indeed a cause for alarm. Where is Headron's army? Sneaking up the last flight of steps, I happen to get a look out one of the small windows that dot the walls. Down below, the sight of a galaxy of torches silently closing in on the bottm of the compound causes my heart to sink, I turn to the others, but they already know. A great battle cry goes up from the spectral battalion below and the door before us blasts open with a great gust of unwholesome wind that knocks us down the stair. I look up to behold the enemy, clad not in battle armor, but the vestments of an intergalactic businessman. He regards our party sternly then turns to the shocked table full of salesmen and accountants, "Excuse me gentlemen, this will only take a moment. In the meantime, feel free to have something from the bar." Turning back to us he wordlessly unleashes scorning blots from his fingertips. Down below I can hear the sound of soldiers crowding up the stairs below. I yell out to the rest of the shocked party, "Lose the cloaks, let's give this motherfucker what he deserves!" Shit was about to get ugly in Dantor

We quit Faster Pussycat half way through as well, and put on Abigail's Intercourse and Lust, whose punkified blackened thrash saved the night. We were humping the fuckin' air to this one. This is everything one would want to hear from a Japanese band, including oddles of incomprehensible Japanese perversion. These bad boys definitely share a filthy spiritual bond with Sex Trash. This album is as fast and loose and sloppy as a meth whores vagina after a biker rally. This album is a rancid as dead tranny's ass a Southern Baptist convention. This is a good album to fuck your bitch to after you've cut her head off. Oh, yeah, Necrobaby! You are lookin' fine right now. Lemme take off those leather diapers.

Words of the Elders

Arcatas dectorium! Myoskis Charven! The battle has begun in two dimensions, for the followers of Headron have shown themselves. Danger lurks at every turn for our heroes on both planes! Stay tuned for the desperate battle with Headron, taker of souls and lord of real estate!

Until next week, dark brethren,

Horns