Saints in Hell - Judas Priest, Vecton the Bard and Safety Shuriken Mayhem

Some things are eternal, like the sun, like waffles, like leather. And like Judas Priest. Priest are the Beatles of Heavy Metal, and not overrated like them either, but ever changing, but forever written into the collective unconscious by unseen hands. On this Metal Night, Demon Scourge, VectonThe Bard, and myself make the required sacraments and unleash the Metal Gods upon the bleeding earth.

In order to get into the proper mindset to fully appreciate the first album we heard, 1984's Defenders of the Faith, we must travel back in time to the summer of that hallowed years. Your older brother is pissed. He was in a bad mood, anyway, since this new project he called  a 'meth lab' blew up in his face. But he discovered that his soon to be mightily worn cassette of Defenders of the Faith is missing. Now the only thing he has to listen to is Quiet Riot and 38 Special, his only other two

cassettes, since he took his record collection to the pawn shop last Thursday. And he knows you have it, since he left it in the cassette deck of his Chevy Nova and you have stolen his car. You are

currently riding the roads, guzzling PBR's(when it was just a cheap beer and not an ironic hipster non-statement) with that bitch What's Her Name, relishing the dirt weed buzz from the stash that your brother also left in the fucking car. Soon, That Bitch is gonna give you head in some secluded parking lot. You have timed it so that 'Eat Me Alive' will be playing while she swizzles your stick. Your brother may be a dick, but at least he has good taste in music. Defenders is a sweet fuckin' album, though not as good a Screaming For Vengeance. A lot of kick ass, hard edged songs, kinda cheesy, but in the way you like it. Life is good, dude. Your brother is gonna beat the living shit out of you when you get home, so you gotta learn to appreciate moments like these. He's a secret fag, anyway, so he won't be breakin' no bones. 

 Adventure in Samur Part 10.1 - Rock Hard, Ride Free
When the great pop that heralds our incursion into the next dimension splits our ears we behold the deep purple sun that blazes above the rocky and desolate Dantorian landscape. when I look around me I can see that everyone, thankfully, was able to don the magical garments in time. We are not far above the ground when we come through and the great beast quickly descends to the ground, breaking into a run as it lands. Lars yells out, "Everybody hang on, it's about to get rough!" Clenching tight to the sharp metallic skin of the Memporian, I look ahead of us to see a towering black shape moving quickly towards us. In the dark purple light I can just make out two tusks protruding out from under a charcoal colored trunk. The body is similar to that of an elephant, but with long black hair that cascades from its back down almost to the mammoth feet. The beast's beady eyes, set close together in it's enormous head, shone out at us with a frightening intensity. Atop the mount on the beast's back stands a skeletal warrior, clutching a gleaming cutlass. With a jerk of the reigns, the ghostly mastodon lifts its great ears to reveal two laser cannons. The Memporian leaps quickly into the air with surprising grace, the first volley just barely glancing off its golden tail as it takes to the air. Our opponent wheels around and rearing up, fires two more shots that strike the underside of our flying friend

Fast forward to the current date, and you are burnt out on black metal, death metal, post-death doom drone metal, post everything metal. Time to go back to the classics. Sin After Sin was state of the art back in 1977. Fuck punk, this is the shit right here. Heavy metal at the time was pretty much just critic's jargon for heavier rock music like Zeppelin and Sabbath. Priest made it into something else entirely. Never before had rock n roll been infused with such high octane drama, such crushing riffs, all at faster tempos than previously. Priest started the trend of the 'kick in the ass' metal needs every 5 to 10 years, since, occasionally, they made Sabbath look like choir boys. This album features their first 'hit', Diamonds and Rust, a Joan Baez cover, but that is just side show. The real attraction here is the bloody meat in tracks like Sinner and Dissident Aggressor. There is some 70's style noodling here and there, and yeah, this isn't exactly a screaming iron fest like Pain Killer by today's standard, but it is enough to singe your cunt hairs, dude.

Adventure in Samur part 10.2 - Starbreaker

The Memporian lets out a high, keening screech, turning in the air so the bony knight is still beneath us. I long to use my patches to destroy our foe, but to do so would give away our position to Lord 

Dantor. I can see the weapons being aimed once again at us when I hear another scream, guttural and terrifying. Turning, I behold Lars the Berserker falling through the air, a large spiked cudgel in one hand. He lands square upon the back of the skeleton piloting the attacking beast, shattering its dusty bones into a thousand pieces, then falls to the ground beneath the lumbering attacker. At that moment, Mistress Crowbastard raises her arms into the air and takes on her bird form, diving to the aid of the rash barbarian. Bloodmace and I hang on for our lives as we come in for another landing. We are shaken violently as the great lizard hits the ground running, skidding to a halt some distance from the action. Claw outstretched, Crowbastard knocks one of the deadly cannons from beneath the ear of the rampaging beast, tearing asunder the leathery appendage that conceals it while Lars strikes the beast on the back of one of its forelegs, bringing it to the ground. As the enemy falls with a pitiful cry it gets off a final shot that hits the shape shifting crone in one of her wings. In her moment of triumph the mighty mistress comes crashing to the ground next to her fallen adversary. Even before the tattered form of our friend and protector hits the sand, the Berserker flies into a trance like rage, smashing through the skull of his injured foe with a single strike. His body twisted in transports of spiritual agony, the possessed warrior carves a tunnel of gore into the head of the massive beast, blood and tissue exploding into the humid air. Bloodmace and I run across the expanse of scrubby wilderness that separates us from the battle.

But 1978's Stained Class ended up as the winner of the night and here is why: class. 70's Priest was fucking classy, dude. Priest would under go a process of streamlining that would lead up to their classic British Steel album, forever trying to find that AOR hit single that would launch them to super stardom and more money than god status, which they eventual did find in Breakin' The Law. But along the way, they wrote some awfully intelligent tunes that was in no way dumbed down  for 'the kids' like their 80's output became. Stained Class is like sci-fi poetry, setting precedent for exploring philosophical lyrical matter in a non-preachy way that Priest would abandon, but other much younger bands would later explore. And holy fuck are there some good tunes on this fucker. Another cover(another sideshow), and meat meat and more meat. Ain't no starchy shit, it's all fucking meat motherfuckers. MEAT!!!!!!!! Savage, Exciter, and the title track are crushing classics, but Beyond The Realms of Death is the real sumbitch on this album. An ode to death and alienation that inspired some douchbags to shoot their faces off to this song in the 80's....hey, I can understand getting caught up in the excitement. But any dumb dickhead that wants to kill themselves does not realize that they will never be able to listen to Judas Priest ever again. And that's a good reason to wanna live forever.

 Words of the Elders
Danger! Action! Potency! The legacy of Bloodmace and Demon Scourge is the child, Necro Baby, who came to them wrapped in a garbage bag and covered in blood. They raised this child and taught it the ways of metal and now we must call on the beast. O people of Centon, hear the crackling of the black loam that heralds the end of this evil epoch. The lords of dawn have risen and light shall flood over this land, banishing the old rulers into the dark corners of legend.

Until next week, Tarnished Titans








Horns