Baron Lotar Presents...The Letter L

Bloodmace and Hellmaster keep watch over Thrashstone

Sometimes, after snorting heroic amounts of PCP and lighter fluid; we, the masters and overlords of Metal Night, just get fucking weird.

"So what should we listen to tonight, dude."

"How about bands that begin with the letter L!"

"Cool."

L is one of the least represented letters in Metaldom. L is a fey sounding letter, ready to lisp away into the realms of Posuerland at any second. Metal bands sound MASCULINE (yes in fucking all cap). Metal Band names are best when loaded with gutteral vowels and hard consonants into harsh and aggressive words. Names like Gorgoroth, Vader, Megadeth, Manowar, Dio, ect. And if you load your name with X's and Z's, fuck, then you are GODSZZZZZ and nothing will stop you, not a battleaxe, not even Lemmy!!!!!!!!!!!

But we decided it would be fun to pay tribute to the lesser letters. L metal it is.

                                     Saga of the Gatemaster Part 5.1 – The Road Hesh Traveled

Bloodmace passes judgement

Thantor the Bard had been driving his battered transport for the better part of the day, carrying Vorthon the Whip of Fate and his companion Hell Wraith south from Jenkabala palace to the palace of Baron Lotar, who was rumored to be one of the four masters of Waylor. The Glowing tauriat, thrown carelessly on the dash, signaled that the road was not far away.  Hell Wraith turns to Thantor, “I’m afraid the crystal in your rebuilt tauriat will not be terribly accurate. Be very careful as we approach the dimensional rift, don’t overshoot the road.”  Thantor opens his mouth to offer a stinging retort but he is cut off as the vehicle lurches on to the pavement…and over the other side. Jade sand sprays into the waiting abyss on the other side as the bard pumps his brake and turns the wheels to try and avoid the traction of the gaping chasm. The dusty grey lorry is still for a moment as they careen to a stop just short of the divide but after a moment of stillness the pull from the opening to some unknown dimension begins dragging them, along with the whole patch of desert they occupy, towards certain death. In the rear compartment, Vorthon puts his fingertips to his temples. Hell Wraith begins hitting Thantor’s arm, “Gas, gas! Go! Pull out now!” A heavy foot slams on the accelerator and the wheels spit ruby sand at the receding fault line. Then came the reassuring feel of solid pavement beneath rubber wheels, speed, freedom. From the back seat, Vorthon chuckles, “To Waylor driver, your fate awaits you there.”

So first we heard Japanese metal titans Loudness and their 1984 album Disillusion. One of the biggest metal acts to ever come from Japan, they had a cult following here in the US. Their sound is basic NWOBHM, with lots of shredding. This is the main pleasure derived from this album, they come across as a less wanky Shrapnel band. The songs are decent, the riffs elegant and heavy, and the playing superb. Worth a few neck wrenches.

                                   Saga of the Gatemaster Part 5.2 – Enter Lotar, Tyrant of Vorn

As the sun rises on the kaleidoscopic sands of the Time Desert , Thantor the bard opens his eyes and  stretches. “You guys been up long? “ He shoots an angry glance at the stone faced mystics, Vorthon and Hell Wraith, still sitting in their seats. “What, you guys don’t sleep? Gimmie a break.”  The irritated driver opens the door and deposits himself behind the wheel.  The long black ribbon stretches out before them. All day they ride on until the mountains of Waylor can be seen rising in the distance. Boulders and tufts of dry grass spring up with increasing frequency. By the time the road abruptly ends in the grassy foothills of Waylor, the sun is quickly vanishing behind the mysterious, rocky cliffs. Hell Wraith breaks the long silence, “The castle of Baron Lotar is near. Keep your eyes on the hilltops.” Indeed, after only a few moments the three seekers catch sight of a massive stone structure atop a tall hill to their west. As they round the base of the hill, however, their jaws drop. They have indeed found the entrance to the hilltop fortress but before them stands a regiment of weird soldiers. Vaguely humanoid, but with disproportionately long arms, their faces are distinctly porcine, with long snouts and vicious looking teeth. Their uniforms, made of drab leather, bear the symbol of Lotar, a cross with four roses. The leader lopes to the car and motions the interlopers to get out. “You…What Wanting” The head soldier intones in his halting, snorting speech.  Thantor steps forward, “I am Thantor the Bard. Your master has sent for me.”

Baron Lotar examines an enemy

 Untrusting, the stout soldier points towards Vorthon and
Hell Wraith, “you no bring them. They stay.”  Behind them, Vorthon waves his hand and produces a glowing orb. The guards realize too late what is happening. Vorthon tosses the orb into the air and the regiment falls to the ground, writhing in pain. With their adversaries immobilized, the three travelers walk silently up the stone steps that lead to the boxy fortress. At regular intervals along the stairway, the decapitated heads of Lotar’s many enemies have been made into lamps. Silently, the party approaches the top of the gruesome stair. Thantor turns to his companions, “Now what? I hope you have enough magic to get us out of here. That was only the first wave of guards. We’re fucked.”  From the shadows a voice booms, “I would say that is an accurate assessment of your position fool!” Standing at the top of the stairway is a fearsome warrior, stout and caped. His hand, making shapes in the air points down at them. Vorthon falls back, almost knocking Hell Wraith down. The weird scientist holds up his partner and starts to make his way to the top of the stairs. But, coming out of the darkness, soldiers grab hold of them from both sides, and along with Thantor, carry them to the top of the hill. Their captor looks back at them, “Your mistake was to challenge Baron Lotar! I am the tyrant supreme, last of the royal blood, destined to rule this world and the next!” Again the Baron’s hearty laughter echoes across the valley below as our heroes are borne by strange henchmen toward the black stone tower that is Keep Vorn, home of the evil Baron Lotar.

Next, we heard obscure 80's thrash icons Liege Lord and their 1987 album Burn To My Touch, who were a talented band that never really went anywhere, despite a fine pedigree that featured members of Annihilator and Overkill. They had a muscular, power metal edged sound, which may have been they reason they were ignored, since this type of metal was considered a bit passe by 1987. This point led to huge argument between myself and Demon Scourge, which led to 81 dead in the Flaming Pick Axe Skirmish of 2012. As per our ceasefire agreement under paragraph 14, section b, we declared this album to be the winner of the night.

The next album was my fault. We gave Lizzy Borden's Visual Lies a good listen. Boy did it suck. Their earlier albums were decent metal rooted in Priest and Maiden, but except for a couple decent tracks, this is for posuers. It's slickly produced glam metal, with everything you'd expect. Demon Scourge liked this album. He will be dealt with in the appropriate manner at the time of my choosing.

                                                                                          Words of the Elders

From the dimensional tempest that is the Time Desert to the mysterious land of Waylor, Vorthon and his companions have traveled. Here among the craggy peaks and blasted valleys whose boundaries form a thousand tiny kingdoms, here among the magical places of power and secret gates, here is where destinies will meet and the fate of Centon will be decided.  Hail the sacred forests of Jenkabala and the cavern-eaten cliffs of Waylor! Hail tyrant and liberator! Hail to gods of hill and dale, those hidden and those sleeping!  T‘cleorn Awaken!  Your daughters call from peaks unhallowed! Retame and Gur, your sons are waiting in the seas and deserts below!

Until next week she-demons and he-beasts

Horns.