Prohibited Angels - Sex Metal and the Gate of Light

In a Metal Warriors loins holds the future of mankind. Yes, ahhhh, the stench of sex. We propagate our seed all over the landscape and all over the computer screen. Wench's bow before the unholy alter of our carnal lust. Our axes....our raging hard-ons!!! And upon this night we thrust thusly into the wicked carnality of........Sex Metal!!!!!

Sex Trash-Funeral Serenade is a worth successor to 1989's epic ode to debauchery, Sexual Carnage. I don't give a fuck what the nerds on Metallum say......this a is a righteous and wicked death/thrash album. This album hold little subtlety. The riffs diddle you senseless. The pummeling rhythm section sodomizes you without mercy, without prophylactics, and plenty of sand in your Vaseline.  But most  precious are the lyrics. They may lack the the explicitness of a Cannibal Corpse or the 100's of porn grind bands out there, but, what they possess is all the grimy ardor of an authentic pervert. So this one was the obvious winner of the night, though events grew much seedier as the evening progressed.

Adventure in Samur Part 17.1 - Wind Assassin

The crystal canyon in the wilds of the Dantorian Mountains, home of Vecton the Bard and the gate of light. The walls that rise from near the banks of the river Asdid are aflame with blazing colors and impossible shapes. From every quarter, strange geometric configurations jut from smooth surfaces in a kind of insane perfection. Mistress Crowbastard, Jarkon the Inflamer, Lars the Berserker, Bloodmace and I, Demon Scourge have made our way across the treacherous plains of this hostile dimension to defeat Centon's greatest enemy, Lord Headron. Hovering in front of us as we make our way down the polished floor of the canyon is Vecton the Bard, long armed, winged sentinel of this secret passage into the belly of Headron's fortress. Turing to address us, he says, "When Headron

drove the people of this land into the mountains, he never expected that we would thrive here in this rocky wilderness. This canyon is the secret jewel of our new kingdom. It is the power that drives the Sectaurian empire and provides it with a natural gateway to the adjoining dimensions." Mistress Crowbastard pipes in, "How is it that Headron cannot detect the magic from the gateway here. Surely it is close enough to his fortress that he could easily find the source of such a powerful emanation." Bloodmace, thoughtfully tapping his signature weapon against his hand speaks up as well, "Indeed, how can such a powerful wizard not detect the magic that must be very hot in proximity?" A smile breaks across Vecton's face and he gestures as he speaks, "This is the mbeauty of the crystal canyon. The gate is naturally occurring, that is to say that there was no magic involved in opening it and thus, none to detect." Lars the Berserker looks around in wonderment proclaiming to no one in particular, "This is it, I thought it was only legend but..." He trails off as our attention is commanded by the great flapping and hearty caw as the raven haired mistress of the night turns into her animal form. Leaping

into the air, she soars high above us, perching upon an impossibly distant outcropping in the translucent cliff face. Again, our host speaks, "Ha ha! The healing powers of this place are known to our people. You each will feel an increase of your powers as you travel through this strange grotto. Come now," He says, motioning with his hands, " the gate is very near." We follow Vecton as he squeezes through a small opening in a massive quartz, Mistress Crowbastard turning back to her human form as she reaches our position. Inside we behold a breathtaking sight. We are standing inside what seems to be a geodesic enclosure of light emitting crystal, whose shade and brightness fluctuated wildly, creating a bath of multicolored luminescence. The smooth floor of the impressive chamber was barren save for a black stone statue of Rangar, first emperor of the gate of light. Vecton, speaks loudly, in a commanding voice, "Ready yourselves, my friends, we are about to begin the final battle for the liberation of Centon. Hai!"

We next listened to Japan's Sex Machineguns and their  1998 self titled debut pretty much because they had sex in the band name. Nothing about this band is really remotely sexy or deranged, for that matter. What we got a was a competent if long metal album that skulked rather blandly between power metal and thrash. Nice chunky guitar sound, but bland in the vocal department. Nothing really awful about this album, just nothing really special about it either.And it deeply disappointed on the perversion level. Come on, Japanese Metalheads!! We Americans depend on you to be innovators of squick! More tentacle porn, less heroics, please. Thanks you.

Rockbitch were easily the worst band of the night and one of the worst bands we have ever bothered to listen to. Their epic live sex shows, featuring oddles of nudity and live sex acts, were the only reason this all psuedo pagan whore band ever got any attention. Nothing about their boring late 90's alterna-rock had any redeeming value. You've heard all these over produced rock moves from Stone Temple Pilots and Creed before, ad nauseum. Boring songs, hackneyed open chord riffs, ect. If you check out their website, there are tons of wank worthy pics. That's about the only value this band possesses.

We quit Rockbitch halfway through the album and, in desperation, threw on Faster Pussycat's first album. We were hoping these LA sleaze stalwarts would give us an old fashioned rockin' good time, but their collection of hackneyed ACDC riffs, whiney punkified vocals, and uninspired song writing hurled us further to despairing flaccidity. They are worthy of the moniker 'the poor man's Gun's N Roses'. The lyrics show some wit, but it's clear that these douchbags were simply riding a gigantic wave of hairspray in the late 80's.

Adventure In Samur Part 17.2 - Devil Wing

Carried away with the rush of power from the extraordinary crystal canyon, we follow Vecton the Bard past the gate of light and down a small stair at the other end of the great hall. Down and down we went for what seemed like an eternity until we finally and unceremoniously reached the bottom of the stair, a dank cavern, pitch black. Our guide turned on a light ahead of us and we silently made our way to its mouth. Sliding out a crevasse barely big enough to fit through, we found ourselves inside Lord Headron's domain. Everything here is greenish gray and drips with a foul slime. Making our way quietly down this passage, we peer around corners and duck behind statues, but there is not a sign of anyone here. Slowly making our way to the tower, where we know we must end up, a feeling of dread begins to settle in the group. We are not hindered by a hellish wolf wasp or fanged orc and this is indeed a cause for alarm. Where is Headron's army? Sneaking up the last flight of steps, I happen to get a look out one of the small windows that dot the walls. Down below, the sight of a galaxy of torches silently closing in on the bottm of the compound causes my heart to sink, I turn to the others, but they already know. A great battle cry goes up from the spectral battalion below and the door before us blasts open with a great gust of unwholesome wind that knocks us down the stair. I look up to behold the enemy, clad not in battle armor, but the vestments of an intergalactic businessman. He regards our party sternly then turns to the shocked table full of salesmen and accountants, "Excuse me gentlemen, this will only take a moment. In the meantime, feel free to have something from the bar." Turning back to us he wordlessly unleashes scorning blots from his fingertips. Down below I can hear the sound of soldiers crowding up the stairs below. I yell out to the rest of the shocked party, "Lose the cloaks, let's give this motherfucker what he deserves!" Shit was about to get ugly in Dantor

We quit Faster Pussycat half way through as well, and put on Abigail's Intercourse and Lust, whose punkified blackened thrash saved the night. We were humping the fuckin' air to this one. This is everything one would want to hear from a Japanese band, including oddles of incomprehensible Japanese perversion. These bad boys definitely share a filthy spiritual bond with Sex Trash. This album is as fast and loose and sloppy as a meth whores vagina after a biker rally. This album is a rancid as dead tranny's ass a Southern Baptist convention. This is a good album to fuck your bitch to after you've cut her head off. Oh, yeah, Necrobaby! You are lookin' fine right now. Lemme take off those leather diapers.

Words of the Elders

Arcatas dectorium! Myoskis Charven! The battle has begun in two dimensions, for the followers of Headron have shown themselves. Danger lurks at every turn for our heroes on both planes! Stay tuned for the desperate battle with Headron, taker of souls and lord of real estate!

Until next week, dark brethren,

Horns

Into the Nowhere - Speed Metal Comebacks and the Crystal Canyon

On the wings of a mighty steel hydra did the 80's come and go. It was decade that saw the birth of speed metal, the unholy proginator of power metal. Many bands fell by the wayside, the victims of morbid douchery, of unrelenting mediocrity, and of smothering song obesity. But, alas, near the end of the wretched decade known as the 1990's, a few worthy masters of riffcraft arose from the mire to do battle once more. So, my leather clad friends, did we undertake the quest of late 90's Speed Metal comebacks.

 Agent Steel's Omega Conspiracy tore threw the Jenakbala airwaves like a mighty wind. Sleeker, downtuned, but armed with with the same worthy songcraft and weirdness that made their 80's output such a pleasure. Out is original vocalist John Cyriis, he of the shrillness, and in comes John Hall, a vocalist of similar air raid qualities, though more polished. There are some forgettable songs, some of the riffs reek of 90's grunge and nu metal, and the new line up would not completely gel until the Order of The Illuminati, but this is a worthy comeback. 

 

Adventure In Samur Part 16.1 - Awaken The Swarm

On raven pass, high in the black mountains of Dantor, there is a small camp for the few travelers that wander here. Just a stone fireplace and a small piece of flat ground, but for aeons it had served as a temporary home for the occasional wanderers that pass this way. On this night there was a fire in the hearth and Bloodmace, along with Crowbastard, Jarkon, Lars and I had camped here, hoping to find the lair of Vecton the Bard, but it appears that he has found us. He stands before us in his billowing pinstriped suit, wings flexing slightly as he chuckles at our state of alarm. Having introduced himself,

he walks toward us from the rocky precipice where he landed out of the darkness. "You seek the crystal canyon?" A smile crosses his face and I answer him from my place near the fire. "We were sent here by Rangar, he says you can show us the way to Headron's fortress." Vecton now throws back his head with hearty laughter. "I bet he did! That old scoundrel. He finally found someone to carry out the mission he cannot. Well, good for him and good for you for helping an old man's dream come true. We shall embark in the morning." One by one, the others filtered off to bed until I was once alone with the long armed stranger. He says to me, in a low voice, "You are the one who was made by Headron to destroy your friends, are you not?" I feel my eyes tense into slits, "I am. What is that to you?" He reaches into his coat pocket, "I must give this to you, it's from Rangar." He hands me an embroidered patch that sparkles in the bright moonlight. I recognize the lettering from the walls of Keep Trawston and the tree prison of the T'chah Karnac. It is a Mournful Congregation patch, one of the infamous lost works by the Huiskitel masters of long ago. He puts his hand upon my shoulder. "Tomorrow, my friend, all will be explained." He turns, stretches out his wings and gracefully leaps over the side of the mountain, flying into the mysterious darkness.

Hirax's New Age of Terror is a bit of a disappointment, in that the punkified power violence guys have polished up a bit, and the glorious thrash cheesiness has settled into a more power metal vein, but there is still lots to like about this album. Vocalist Katon W. De Pena balls seem to have dropped, and the nasally tone is gone. But, this is a thrashy riff beast, and quite satisfying in it no apologies old schoolness. Highlight of the album is Hostile Territory, a speedster that demonstrates that this band operates best at high velocities. Alas, I do pine for the days of yore with the one minute songs about Satan. And Katon was always the best yodeler in metal.
 

Adventure In Samur Part 16.2 - Shadow Thief
The morning air was thick with fog as we set out along the yellow rimmed path. It was hard to imagine as we were walking among the clouds that we would soon be fighting for our very lives in the valley below. Up here everything was silent, frozen in time like a painting. Mistress Crowbastard was walking on her own today, recovering from her near death experience at the hands of the Vorm when we arrived in Dantor. We followed Vecton up a steep climb up an almost sheer rock face and

hoisted ourselves up into a cavern. When our eyes became accustomed to the dim light, we realized that the same moss carpet we saw in the lair of Rangar and the Sectaurians also covered the walls and floor of this very passageway, except there were no brave he heroes depicted on this living tapestry. Here, scenes of their gods and demons battling for souls and bloody scenes of torture glared out at us from every side. Our stretch-armed, winged host motions us on, "Hurry, this is no place to tarry. I always say 'don't mess with the Sectaurian curse.' It's not far now, come on." we hurried down the cursed rock throughway until we came to a large gallery, with tunnels leading in every direction. Across the eerie chamber we skittered to another, smaller cave, then through a labyrinthine series of twists and turns that left us feeling disoriented and lost, but on we went into the darkness, following our strange guide. We finally end up at a small chamber with a pool in the middle . in the center of the pool is a statue of Parthon with an obscure inscription on it's base. Vecton turns and speaks to the group, "We must dive in. When you get under, swim to the light and we will enter the crystal canyon. Quickly, we dive in to the pool, swimming past the sculpture of our friend from Narn and toward the bright spot beyond him and on the floor of the spring. I swim down and into the aperture where I see Vecton going, but as soon as I swam into the lightI started falling as if what was once below me was now above me. With a thud my body slams into the hard ground, then one by one, my comrades fall through the same hole in the ceiling. Shaking my head I peer out of our landing spot and, with the others gasp. Looking down into the canyon, we could see that it truly was made of crystals. Shining, faceted stones that concentrated the light into a glittering beam. Suddenly, Vecton flaps up from below the egress that looks out on the canyon. Be careful here kids, the plaza of errors is almost finished."

Jag Panzer's -Age of Mastery was the Winner of the Night. I have to admit, I never was fan of this band, especially their much lauded 1st album, 1984's Ample Destruction. I never cared for 'The Tyrant's' hoarse, slightly atonal caterwaul. But that dude was long gone by 1998, replaced by the confident power metal wail of Harry Conklin. Oh wait, same dude. Well, I guess his balls dropped. This is simply a great heavy metal album, full of majesty, meat and potatoes riffery(though there are some symphonic tinges here and there), and inspiring melodies. It kicked our asses, dude. 

 

Words of the Elders

Tears of gods fall upon the barren dirt in this wasteland of fate. There, above, do you hear it? The call of the wyvern, the smell of sourwood! The power of Centon shall rise! Stay tuned next week to learn the secrets of the crystal canyon!

Until next week sodden hordes,

Horns